earsplit doorman

 Crazy things I overheard while cleaning ashtrays. B.t.w emptying the ashtrays is critical with this job. Housless folks patrol the area and if too many cigs build up they invade the space. I feel for them but I can't have them anywhere around the punters. I keep the ashtrays clean as possible to avoid "unpleasantness" In those times i get to hear Portland talking. 

Convo at (outside) table 1 :"After midnight roommates arent required to speak to one another while passing in the common spaces." I dropped in on some roomies having a drink and a quick house meeting. Makes sense. You shouldn;'t have to talk to someone when you are half asleep. That a solid plan. 

Speaking of slumber, folks at a table 2 were discussing the last nights orgy and questioning an occurance "I fell asleep at the end and then woke up to someone "visiting" me in a gentle but very sexual way. Is that sexual assault?" Since it was why the person was there and also a pleasurable moment it passed the test.

Table 3 "I collect antiques and as a result my house is getting destroyed by moths and a plumbing problem that happened during that last cold weather disaster last January." Pipes broke, flooded the ground raising the humidity of the house, Antiques erupted moths and beetles. The moisture is ripping the front of the house off and providing an inviting climate to vector pests. This guy measures his house movement like we measure a kid growing by marking thier height on a wall. He showed me his water meter movement, Its clockig water even when he isn't there. In researching his house he found an artice from 1960 about the former owners of his house playing "Russian Roulette" resulting in a man shooting himself. He said he always felt someone lost thier leves in his house.

Table 4. Hugged me. They were upset about my divorce. They asked me about Tavern stories you may have read. They been following my writing. "You tell stories that make us feel like we were there. Tonight we decided to just actually be there." That was music to my ears. Sometimes folks mention stuff and I ask. "How do you know that?" And they say. "You wrote about it silly." lol

day off door duty

I'm not working the doorman gig today but I love the job so much I been standing outside my bedroom door like this all night. b.t.w. the Dingo Room does have a cover. actualy a few covers and a few blankets.

 

rooster rock adventure.

 I was only going to have a drink with a friend. It took 24 hours lol Raven called me "I'm at your work, can I buy ya a drink?" I love hanging out with Raven. I also wanted to try one of the drinks at Eagle Eye (the one that looks like windex but tastes like a melted snow cone). I met her there and it was fun being a customer. The drink was really good too. After that we went to her spot for Qusadillas and Slavic music and movies. She asked me if I wanted to go to Rooster Rock the next day. Yeah. We crashed hard and then today we took off to Rooster Rock. I never heard of it. 

We stopped for coffee and soda. While in the store Raven spoke Arabic to the clerk. She said she likes freaking them out as she is covered in tattoos, unmarried and looks like Satan's Roma tour guide.

Back on the road she said "I gotta warn you...Its a clothing optional beach and the only nude people are old dudes standing there with their wieners out."

We got there and sure enough there was a six foot tall old fellow standing like a christmas tree among the other trees staring at us with his crank jutted out. It was so surreal. They were everywhere. Always alone maybe with a dog or fishing gear and they could be seen from a long way off because of the white butts. They seemed to be playing a chess game of avoidance with each other. I kept thinking "Do better" if exhibitionism is your thing Zazz it up. Ever hear of bodypaint? Feathers, Props, lit candles. The naked stand-stare is just not enough. One star.

As we were walking one of these guy walked to us. There was so much space, it took a long time for him to vector over to us. I was thinking "Dont talk to us." He starts talking to us.  He is holding a little flounder with a hook in it's mouth. "This guy is gonna die I'm going to feed it to the birds.Cant get the hook out" Raven:"I'm a fisherman's daughter, I can take the hook out." He pulled the fish back "Noooo! I already tried." She had some choice words for him. He quickly went to another person and started the script again. He just wanted his body near someone I guess.  

Ive been naked in all 5 parts of town for ..reasons. But this is the first nude event that was creepy. Other than that the place is divine.  Raven saw a drowning bee and put it onto of her head to dry out. That was charming. I didn't get in the water much because I was still dressed to go to Eagle Eye. 

We had a magical time in a magical place. We did a lot of listening to eachother and encouraging like we have been doing for a while. On the way out we saw a lady with two leashed goats and a dog going for a stroll. That was fantastic. Glad I know about this place now. I'm gonna return and paint a picture of the rocks and water. And you betta believe I'm gonna be naked sporting Three Cranks and a rainbow butt.

electronic work partner.

I told myself I really find value in my doorman job because I can fart anywhere i want. No matter what "divorced food" my butt trumpets it's not as bad as young men full of too much cologne, urinals after poor marksmanship older ladies hugging me while dripping with perfume and sweaty workmen. Bartenders tell me they be crop dusting all the time. Not me I just let it go. Well I did anyway. 

This is my station and my electronic work partner. I call it "Dad" it scans IDs. I'm never far from Dad. It tells me if someone is of age but I can do math. It's big job is telling me if someone has been 86ed by another shift. 

The other night I farted and was quickly surprised the bar manager who had to come look someone up on Dad. She put her head right into it. I was mortified. There was no dog to blame it on. That was the first and last incident of collateral damage. Now I adopted the aformentioned crop dusting manuver.

I was out front monitering some loud younglings. They were having a good time enjoying drinks and gabbin. A bunch of loud motorcyclists blew by. They yelled at them. Then another moterbike guy with a super loud engine stalled at the light. The kids started laughing and yelling stuff at him. The guy didn't yell back. I could her him speak "Keep talking, I'll come back." The 20 sumpins kept taunting the guy as he walked his bike away. 

I approached them and said "How about this idea..shutthefuckup, Thoes bikes are obnoxious, i get it but so are we, look what that guy in there is doing to a David Bowie song.  That said,  it's decidedly unhealthy for all of us if you piss off the motercyclist club with matching vests." They saw the logic in my suggestion. 

I went back to the door and saw a guy standing there. I had escorted out a week before. I said Hi, he said hi. awkward silence. He mumbled something to me in a thick drunk accent. Eventually I realized he was asking if he was still 86ed. I knew what he was saying but I decided to make him work for it. Maybe he would see how crazy he sounded. Finally he said "Let me talk to the bartender. and see if I'm still 86ed"  As luck would have it the bartender had just got on break. She walked by him saying "Whats up shit head?" and kept going. Outside I was streight faced but inside I was busting up. "Well Sir I have been informed your status as 86ed is still in effect. They take running out on your bar bill very seriously. Enjoy your day." He tried to plead his case but I cut him off in my favorite way "I said Good day Sir!" He walked off grumble grumble. 

"Operation Compersion"

 Working the door at the tavern a nice fellow (30 something) needed to share some news. As a single-serving friend who is totally nosey and a captive audience I was game to hear his story. His face looked unsure yet excited, like a kid about to be handed a diploma. "My wife told me she is really attracted to that random woman. I told her to go talk to her." We looked over sure enough they were huddled in a booth. 

I see why he had to tell somebody. I asked "You said you were a cook right?" He nodded. "You know it then, let that shit cook. You did the right thing dipping out. Order some jalapini poppers, they make really good ones here"

Went back to jobbing, checking IDs and and answering stupid questions One guy, "You paint yo nails because you like Mans?" Me: "Quite the opposite Old Boy, I paint my nails because it starts conversations with women." He walked away saying "You like Mans" LOL Dunce.

I had to bounce this creep called Rondo, this evening I used a fake radio. I started walking at him as I turned the radio on. He heard the squelch, saw the Tophat and left. We tangle a lot.

After that unpleasantness, the young man I was talking to's face was different. He had the expression of someone in the passenger's seat of a car rolling down a hill. "The situation got away from me. This time I'm not invited." In my head I hear the music when someone loses the Showcase showdown on Price is right. Then perfectly timed a pint glass fell from the next table with the sound puntuating the state of his plans. His girl was doing really well... Really well, cooking from scratch sans him in the mix. 

He said thier arrangment was that if she joined with other humans he would be allowed to watch. I can't realate to that. Being a third wheel thats not touching the street sounds awful to me. I tried to treat the situation with compassion. I flipped the script for him. Imagine if you were making time with someone, would you want an audience?" He said that was fair. This game also has my security hackles up. I gotta steer this away from becoming an unsightly scene. 

When i think tactics I get militant. "If it isn't a joint arms operation then let your commando operate behind the lines. Be happy for her. Call it "Operation Compersion" dont cock-block. Maybe have a whack at the details later during a staff meeting." 

I had to split to clean up the glass. On my way out another man was percolating. He was gonna puke in the doorway. "NO Dawg, take it to the street!! I'm so glad Eagle serves mostly fried food. When I clean up puke it's all one color and I can pretend it's dogfood. 

Next time I saw my guy he looked grumpy. He marched out and walked to the left, 2 min later the wife marched out walking to the right, 10 min. later thier querry sauntered out with another dude. DOh!

I'm guessing everyone drank enough to flop the plot. I helped the couple find one another and luckily they live in walking distance. 

Afterwards when it was only us staff cleaning we talked about the many "indecent proposals" we have had. I learned a lot about my co-workers. I told them about being young, playing D&D and fantasizing about two women, then growing up, having a strong thruple relationship that was so labor intensive I would fantasize about when i had time to play D&D. Grass is always greener right? LOL

bar breakups and The Bandit.

Unfortunatly sometimes relationships end at bars. Often I have a front row seat for those unpleasant situations. Last night it was a breakup I found familiar, Punks breaking up. Aw. I was kind of busy with other things like checking IDs, keeping the tavern't glassware from walking off and monitering "The Bandit" 

The Bandit is what I named a lady who was tearing around on an electric bike with ruthless abandon. 

She is a beautiful Black woman, well dressed, laughing hysterically and bolting full throttle all over the place. I would describe her driving style as scribbling. Every few moments I would hear cars honking at her, people on the sidewalk diving out of her way and at least two vehicles of her own people doing everything they could trying to catch her. They never did. As chaotic as she was I was impressed with her driving skill on the electric bike. I still had to be ready to tackle her if she was going to bowl over any of the bar patrons. 

I was watching The Bandit when I hear to my left some tempers raising. "You say you forgive me until you don't. Our relationship is over!" Two punk rocker women were yelling at a guy at the same time about different things. As the ladies went into the tavern one of them told me "Don't let him back in."

I checked my mental doorman clown handbook. Thats not in my terms of service. He had valid ID and he wasn't overserved. Standing on a scooter wimpering isn't an 86 offense. While his brand new Exgirlfriend was singing punk karaoke songs he just stood outside staring at the ground. 

I went outside and said "Need some water or a call for an Uber?" "No thanks but Thanks." Instead he decided to go in and talk to her. By then the friend was singing. The couple argued on the dance floor in front of her. Nobody noticed because the punk song was already angsty. I guided Porcupine Romeo out before the song ended. "This isn't the place to work it out." He said something dramatic but it was anti climactic because he limply rolled off on a little scooter. His plight was easily drowned out by the Bandit who blew by scortching the atmosphere, cackling like a Hyena with her headlight pointed up and to the right. I could track her by the light on the second floor of the apartments across the street. HAHAHA! What a card. 

The ladies came back out, did a little crying and a little phone calling to find her a place to stay. I got her some water too and saw them off. 

Then to my delight The Bandit rolled up. She gave me a huge smile and said "I'm intrigued by them shoes. I'm 51 today! I lost my phone, Y'all got snacks and bar food? I'm cold." Finally the Bandit ran out of fire. LOL.  I wanted to hug her immediatly, eventually I did. Happy 51 Girl! She escaped her own birthday party many blocks away. I helped her reunite with her folks. After talking to her it dawned on me that she wasn't very inebriated. Most of her chaos was pure joy. 

The night ended and I went home. I'm an old punk and I live with middle aged punks. When they asked how my day went I said "It was sad to see punkrockers break up, brought back bad memories of my own romances disintegrating. My roomie was surprised. "They broke up? Punkers almost never break up, usually one of them dies." That was a very macabre thing for us to be chuckling about at dark thirty in the morning. 

mother Goose Rock

I'm a fun guy but I'm not a Fungi.

 Working the bar job tonight I let a young woman in who gave me pause but not enough to deny her. She got a CBD drink and came back to me. She stood there smiling at me and petting my shoulder. She said "I love your smile." She kept smiling. I pointed out KJ Dan partly to scrape her off and part as a prank on KJ Dan. She kept admiring me. "Your eyes are kind and I love your hat." I told her it was awkward. "Are you a mushroom?" I thought I heard wrong. "Looking for the restroom?" Her: "No i asked if you are a mushroom. I'm trying to flirt with you. Is that ok?" I love being flirted with but one of the prerequisites is that the flirter not think I'm a mushroom. It considerably gets in the way of consent .Also she kind of looked like she prefers the company of women (in her right mind) so she could have been headed down a path of profound dissapointment. I got her some water and asked her to sit down a chill. I was trying to bounce her gently. I didn't want to give her a bad trip. I got busy survieling a creepy dude. Soon the barkeep got my attention and pointed her out. I escorted her out. She wanted to know why. I said I don't question the bartender. If she says ya gotta go then that's that. Her: So im expendable?" Me no, thats drama. You just gotta go tonight but you can come back another time when your pupils aren't dialated dinner plates..

 It took me a long time to finesse her down the road. My attention went back to the human jackle I was watching before. I made friends with the security guy across the street. I had been making fun of them for thier over the top cop cosplay but this dude had minimal cop drag on. He was also very curious and easy to share info with. We met in the street to talk about the guy who looked like he wanted to rob someone. A car went by and I noticed it was mushroom girl driving. "Oh No!" She was driving fine though fortunatly We were looking at "Perp-face". I got his picture when he walked by. He seemed angry with us for staring at him. lol As we were in the street we suddenly heard a woman shrieking, a man yelling and furnature being thrown around. It was horrific but what can we do? In the sea of apartments we couldn't actually tell where it was coming from. Life in the big city. We were bummed. Then behind him an adorable skunk appeared out of the shadows and started milling around looking for stuff. We both gushed. Thank Goddess for small miricles. Nothing like a cute critter to cleanse the unpleasant moments. 

 I made a friend, everyone at the bar had a great time and I saw a skunk. lol I hope mushroom girl found her way safe. And so concludes another exciting episode of Eagle Eye Karaoke nights! 

Hm..Sure was haymakers out last night. HAHAHA!

wild portland stuff

Tonight some folks came into the tavern saying

"We are from Sellwood, we came to see some crazy Portland stuff."

I'm like alright. The Eagle Eye is a great start. "When does it get really wild?" I don't have an answer for that. Two hours later he hits me up again. "Dingo when it it gonna pop off?"

I only knew my own perspective. I was kind of happy nothing "popped off"

His comment made me assess what had gone down so far.

"Bartenders are charming and fast, Drink special is tight, KJ is spicy yet fair, Every table is full of lively people switching chairs so much it looks like "clique speed dating" it's easy to make new friends at Eagle Eye Tavern. Since the Sellwoodians arrived I deflected 3 random crazy folks from the street, bounced 3 donkeys who weren't acting right and tossed out a creepy conman right before thier very eyes. By the pool tables an North African man is drunkenly and aggressively trying to teach two tipsy Guatamalans English. Unfortunatly all involved are going to come away from this knowing less English than they started with.

On the positive side, one man sang "Willy wonka, Megadeth then Gangster rap and killed it on all three. This Scotts fellow (same accent as Wattie Buchan) sang Matallica's Creeping death while cursing The former Queen of England between every phrase. Q.E. is livin rent free in his head. A lady sang the "I like big butts" song and the room erupted into a sea of twerks. Next was a John Denver number but that didn't stop the twerk storm. Currently there is a spikey punker singing "The Gambler" who clearly has never heard any Kenny Rodgers song in his life.

How much more entertainment do they need? LOL!

dump bunny chronicles Ridgefield

I just saw a security guard who SUCKS at his job.

Adventures in Bunnyland. I just saw a security guard who SUCKS at his job. Pardon my spicy, i'm a slightly darker clown now and a bit more confrontational. I was at the grocery store getting 5 lbs of carrots for my bunny horde. I noticed the surly security guard at the exit checking reciepts and groceries. He was dressed in full on militerized industrial police cos-play. I decided to give him an imagination check. So I also bought the biggest jar of Vasaline they sell. The two items looked great in the bag together. Soon I was in the exit line trying not to show my giddyness. Is Mr. McCop gonna laugh, pretend it isn't a suggestive order or if i'm lucky call a superviser and start a Mc-investigation? It was my turn, my heart was pounding. Then to my horror this palooka limply swipes a felt tip marker across the reciept and said "Thank you, enjoy the rest of your day." This donkey didn't even look at my cart. WTF? At my work I voraciously search bags, so it just didn't compute that he wasn't performing due dilligence by matching the goods to the reciept. I didn't dare move. I have been on this journey so long (15 min.) My body was facing him but my eyes were on my cart. Again Inspector Dunce says "Thank you, enjoy the rest of your day." GAAAA!Yew are a McDisgrace to your McUniform. I didn't cuss him out (because i want to live) but mentally I was balling him out. I was grumpy because then I had to go back and return the Vasaline and go past him again.

Bouncers helper

 Tonight a heroic guy had my target half bounced before i even got there. I noticed a shark in the water. One who has already assaulted every employee so far. I have a bit of free rent in his head so we have only shoved eachother and avoided haymakers. I was busy checking IDs so i couldn;t get to a "problem situation" in time. When I got there I hear " I feel ya but Dingo is here now. If I know him he is going yo tell you to move along and then walk with you. Respect him. If i see ya later I will tell you Wassup. Respect Dingo." Nice to hear that...but. I hate whren people put words in my mouth. That said he did check all my boxes. I told the guy "You need to move along, I'm gonna walk with you and we are gonna be fucking respectful to everybody in between ..Feel me Yo? I walked the guy away from the customers and briefly did a jedi mind trick (tactic redacted) to send him in another tragectory. It was all very discreet. I don't want the punters to even know anything happened. Later I tried to thank the man who fielded that but he wasn't having it. lol Frikking hero mentality. LOL