Olive made our 14 y.o. go on a bike ride with her.

 After 5 weeks in our house we decided he is required to go on a tallbike ride with her. This is how he made it clear that he didn't want to catch any viruses.

 I don't blame him. I have seen the video games he plays. Mutants, viruses and even angry villagers are colorfully vivid in those displays. Even the ride was like a video game. They were avoiding other people like the game Frogger.

Told Olive Rootbeer I was having an unpleasant, ill feeling.

She asked what my symptoms were. 
I told her I have been randomly changing the TV channels in a house across the street...with my mind. 
She asked what I had to eat all day. 
I recount four 16 oz. cups coffee and a Thai Iced tea. 
She isn't a med pro but she knew what was wrong.
 Puberty.

Is this a thing?
 I just realized that folks will be quarantined together, shag it up out of boredom, get preggers and name the kid Covid. "Larry Covid 19 you get in the house and do your homework!" They will eventually develop into quatenteens.

My son is 13 and totally a riot.

Yesterday he was meeting friends for a movie. We had to take him to a bike shop to pick up a lock for his tallbike. 
I was locking our bikes up so I had no idea why there was a crowd of perturbed looking cyclists surrounding him. When I got in it looked like a town hall meeting. 
The first thing I heard was a spandex clad man saying "Ulaanbaatar...why?" 
Olive wanted to get in, get out quickly and unobserved, that didn't happen because as soon as my boy went into Joe bikes he said (to the crowded bustling room)
 "OK listen up everyone (everything stopped). I have just one question...What is the capitol of Mongolia?" 
Because it's Portland someone knew right away. 
Then he said "OK I just have one more question! What would Canada do if it had a trillion dollars?" Another cyclist said "They do kid." 
That was the end of Bruce's townhall world events workshop. 
Olive gathered him up and we split. 
On the road I asked him why he did that. 
He said they looked too serious. 
Somehow he left them more serious than before.

We made zero money at our gig. So understandably Olive decided we should go to a place the sells mustard by the 5 gal. bucket

 Olive could be heard from across the store laughing her head off.
 Our fellow customers and the employees had mixed reactions to seeing us.
One lady smiled huge and said "EEEEE circus peepoe!"
 Great to do some grocery shopping in bulk at the old Cash and Carry.
It was a riot tearing around there watching Olive go bonkers over the massive quantities.

 I really enjoyed the chance to give my son a lesson on pro kitchen and bar-tending equipment.

Imagine how unreasonable a 3 y.o. is.

This Dude. Imagine how unreasonable a 3 y.o. is. Not the part where they throw a fit because something is the wrong color. I'm talking about the laughing at a joke that isn't funny part. "knock knock, who's there?, "bannannapumpkin!" That's my best 3 yo joke. No idea why it works but it kills. Imagine the joy of the laugh that non-sequitur gets and that is how one of our fans rolls 24-7. Pure joy and he is also a huge O&D fan. 

now we gotta build this bike. 

My man recently gifted us this portrait. He actually made an entire O&D comic book. I'm so impressed that a three year old did this, We get a lot of fan art. I think this is some of the best skill I ever seen. Can't wait to see what this Dude does when he grows up. I asked what the circles under Olive were. Everyone in the room scolded me "Those are balloons!" I didn't see that right away, I thought the kid somehow found my "too hot for internet" pics of us. Anyhoo, I'm super impressed with this artwork. I would make it our official Tshirt but unfortunately people are more likely to ask us for a free shirt than buy one so we end up folding every shirt run.

My Darling wife woke me up with a deep massage. That

 isn't uncommon. Over the last decade, we worked out that I put her to sleep and she wakes me every day. It can be pretty spectacular all around. Anyhoo. 
What was special this time was that she was doing it for her not me. It was about maintenance of her band equipment. 
She depends on me to play guitar as we sing for our supper every day. 
No matter what guitar i use (this anything but ergonomic beast is called The Stump) I end up over and under working several muscle groups. Back of fret hand gets one workout, strum bicep gets another. That isn't good to be all wonky.
She found all the guitar related stress parts (and had me hollering) and then prescribed exercises to even out the tone.
I never knew that was a thing. I didn't realize I was even hurting in those spots until it suddenly stopped.
Now I recommend it to ax grinders who sling those things around all the time. My first guitar was an SG copy.
That thing was heavy as a manhole cover. Rock on Donkey Kongs.

Retraction alert.

Retraction alert. I made a mistake yesterday. Hi Gang, it's yer old pal Dingo the clown. We often are compelled to do the same material over and over because we know it's safe. 

New stuff is hit or miss and can come with some mistakes. 

We won't get to stay the People's clowns very long if we make a lot of mistakes. 

Yesterday we were doing a wonderful tea party to a packed Know Thy Food cafe. 

Olive and I were involved with some goofy banter where we were telling jokes. She did her three jokes and then it was my turn to close the deal. 

The plan was for me to go with a non-sequitur. Knock Knock, who's there? Banana. That's it. 

My daughter made that up when she was three and it was a riot to her. In the lead up to the joke, my mischievous brain was coming up with lines I definitely should NOT say. "banana hammock" came to mind. 

Then it was my turn. All was going well until the punchline part. Knock Knock, who's there? Banana, Banana who? ...and I stupidly pronounce "Banana hammock!" 

As that rediculous phrase was falling out of my face, it spilled out in slow motion. I had plenty of time to wonder how this unfortunate moment came to pass. 

"Banana hammock" went blissfully over the heads of the shorty's and many parents were looking at me like Olive was...with some curiosity and concern. 

They quickly seemed to forgive me and we moved on with the show. I'm sorry I said "banana hammock" Yall. 

We are going back to the same place today (Know Thy Food cafe) for our weekly 10:30 storytime show.

 I promise to keep my language on task and out of any innuendo that is too obvious. Thank you Portland for being so forgiving. ~Dingo

 — at Know Thy Food Cooperative.

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poem for open mic jill

Like Pomes? This a a powem I writ called Jill. Feel free to posit this saga at your local open mic.

Jill stares at you. Stares a few moments then "BAWWWKRK".

Jill is still hitting up her stainless steel mixing bowl. (BANG-Clank bump!)

Jill is a bulldog two years young, strong as a bowlin' ball and ever so dumb.

The dumb part doesn't hinder, how she get's her kicks,

voraciously eating kibble,

voraciously pooping on the bricks.

Jill is a snorting train wreck!

She likes the ball she likes her bowl.

She likes patrolling her lair.

But how she acts to the other dog

Can only be called unfair.

Dusty is a gentle heart and peaceful mellow soul.

He looks around with concern as Jill attacks the bowl.

He looks at me with sad eyes when Jill humps away at him.

Humpty dumpty is givin Dusty the hard sell again,

Jill sexually assaulting her friend is really messed up!

I tripped over myself just trying to break it up!

"Yo dawg! That's not cool!

Not cool at any time!"

Not only is it "frowned upon"

I'm pretty sure it's a crime!

10 min after I broke it up she was back to her humpy trick.

I needed to find an end to this, and find an end real quick!

"Knock it off woman, this is craziness!"

I didn't recognize my own words.

I usually don't like to raise my voice,

With swearing and canine slurs.

When she points her beady eyes at me,

All i see is catastrophe JILL!

Her black eyes brindle butt, jacked up grill like a piranha.

Big white head, all kinds of inbred,

This mug could scare her own Mama.

She is shorter than a wine bottle but very wide at the chest.

The dog is fast as lightning and never seems to rest,

Jill is a tiny one dog riot!

As I sit here she is going to town, beating up this mixing bowl.

It's her second favorite thing after humping a pit bull,

For hours now, it's all about, flinging it in the air

then shoving the down turned bowl across the floor wedging it under the chair.

Her hideous snout, it slams into a corner .

Then she lunges up attacking her toy

flinging ropes of spit in all directions.

grossing out my little boy, (BANG-Clank bump!)

Jill is a beast! A stinky, rude, calamity, (BANG!)

You can tell when she is around because I'm using profanity,

She is human nature's cruel mistake.

She ate the frosting, she ate the cake,

So why can't I stop smiling while looking at this thing?

What's wrong with me? Am I insane?

Is it her thousand mile an hour wagging tail, that looks like a chimpanzie penis?

Or the way she always wants to get between us?

Did i mention yeast builds up in the eye folds of this dog,

I had to clean it out with a surgical swab,

GROSS!

In our world I think all creatures fit,

But this one needs surgery to be born and comes with it's own haz-mat kit.

I gotta love that she outsmarted me though.

I thought I would be clever and put out the bowl,

Outside she shall play, so we could get some peace.

She didn't want to go but I begged her please!.

She ran outside, and caught her bowl, thrashing left and right,

Sending shrapnel of dog shit everywhere, into the freezing night,

Then she ran inside like she owns the place, into her warm house,

I was stuck cleaning dog poop (Some even got in my mouth)

She had caught me unaware, now she laughs at me from the top of the stairs.

JILL!

Around this dog, it never stops, it's never gonna be quiet,

Jill is a tiny behemoth who makes me scold her like a one dog riot!

Jill threw up jelly, Jill was a strain,

But I guess I would totally dog sit, Jill-zilla again.

(Pang- CLANK ROWFF!)

Are you the same Dingo from the Clown House?

We spent some hours last evening in the booth doing the Blooming Universe show on the KBOO FM radio. It was a blast gassing with Kieth and listening to all his neat music. Olive was delightful and a good time was had by all. 

Thanks to the folks who called in to the ask a street clown bit. 
I had a wonderful blast from the past. First a caller asked "Are you the same Dingo from the Clown House?" Yes I am, then he hung up. Next caller was his Friend John Averill founder of March Fourth Marching band. The first guy looked me up and had John call back. John and I had a lovely catch up session with Portland listening. 
We both kind of had the same sentiment "Dude...You're still alive and still yourself YES!!!!!"We used to mix it up a lot together back in the zerozees.\ Then Keith played the M4 record that mentions us (Fat Alberta), The shift went by way too fast. We said goodbye to Portland and pretty soon we were back on the street outside KBOO radio. Two clowns in the early morning Ptown streets, ambling home and watching the city wake up before we crashed hard. lol

Sorry cats.

Funny thing about Pinterest.
It thinks it knows me. Somehow when I click on to that site it seems to think I'm obsessed with drawing tutorials, gorgeous clown women, historical facts, cats and custom bikes.
That is where algorithms fail.
I'm indifferent towards cats.
You don know me Pin!



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house clownz

They didn't warm like usual. We live in a tricked out 1920's house that rents rooms like a hotel.
Every few days we meet folks from all over the world. We don't work here, we are just the house clowns. Usually they are thrilled to meet us, see our bikes and be on vacay.
This time they just stared silently as I introduced myself and showed them their room. They backwards walked to their room and slammed the door.
I don't need to be liked by everyone, it just rolled off my back. Then I walked by a mirror.
Earlier Olive and I were making out pretty hot like (or in other words...business as usual) and I had her red lipstick covering my entire lower face.
I didn't look like a clown, I looked like I was just devouring a wildebeest on the Serengeti with the jackals and hyenas.

That gave me a good laugh. I'm not full of myself so i rarely look in mirrors.
I guess I should start paying better attention now that we are house clowns.

like what we do?
Maybe you are in a place to pitch in to our clownistrary.
We are but humble street performers who livce out of our tip jar. Here is a link to our online hat. :)
http://oliveanddingo.com/donate/

Most of the guests are intrigued to see us come and go. 
They ask us about our life and have lots of laughs with us. We are super good "single serving" friends so it works out. 

Sometimes they don't know clowns live here and boy are they surprised. 
The lady from Miami actually jumped in and helped us load a balloon bag yesterday. That was cool.
check this out...
We are not employees but we do like getting paid. 
I was thinking of stealing a page from the carnival ride playbook. Y'know how when you go down the log ride, they offer you a pic of your trip? 
Maybe the clowns can do the same and offer the guests photos of themselves that the clowns took of them while they were sleeping? 
YES!

Rollie the egg maker

I wanted to roast this device with satire and skewer yet another useless "made in China" type product that currently fill our landfills. Rollie more than met me halfway. Do you really need your eggs to look like someone's sunburned, flaccid crank waving around somewhere on a nude beach? Some do, most don't.

But then as I started researching how bad this is, Old Mr. Rollie started talking me out of it. I kept finding out facts and thinking "well that actually would be handy for a college kid, oh, it would be great for making a party snack platter. I'm not generally a fan of anything that plugs in or takes gas. Rollie takes 210 v of coal burned electricity to cauterize chicken menses. I'm biased. The device that would have me singing praises would be a bike powered egg maker that spits em out looking like origami.

That said, I have to admit that this Rollie doesn't appear to be the waste of money I originally thought. Rollie can be useful. side note: It was a triumph that they thought to avoid a variable temperature knob. I bet they saved themselves from a lengthy and expensive class action lawsuit by hundreds of people who would have went to the emergency room after trying to shag the egg cooker on low.

Good times!Like what we do?

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Fun clown trick: If you need help at a grocery store but can't find an employee, go to the condom section and look at the security camera.

Fun clown trick: If you need help at a grocery store but can't find an employee, go to the condom section and look at the security camera.
 Folks don't normally shop by looking at all the cameras. It get's their attention.
 Condoms are one of the most shoplifted items. 
They are watching that aisle. Someone will ask you if you need help really quickly. 
Then you get to take a long walk with them to whatever part of the store you were really trying to find something in. 
:) I do this all the time.

also if you are in clown drag a
t the grocery store, they won't search you even if the electronic theft alarms go off. Eric Bang showed me this amazing trick when he sewed a magnetic theft strip (from a book) into his clown clothes. Then filled his pockets with sex toys and clown props yet couldn't get searched no matter how many bells were ringing. 
Presumably this because no employee gets paid enough to have "strip search clown" in the job duties.

oliveanddingo.com

I love passive aggressive notes, here are some from the net that cracked me up

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