Last night I had to return a huge bag of weed I accidentally shoplifted.

 Last night I had to return a huge bag of weed I accidentally shoplifted. I got home and pulled out the halfO I bought and then a whole zip as well. 

Oh did I mention I was in a sloth suit? Yes sometimes I rock animal outfits for thier warmth. The problem is it doesn't have very deep pockets. When i originally went I was shown two bags of cannabis. While talking and reading the numbers I pocketed one so not to lose it and then bought the other. All while talking and having fun with the workers (like ya do.) 

As I was leaving I was fumbling with wallet, weed, keys, other keys and weed. I remember telling the clerk that I wish I was an animal with a pouch like a kangaroo. We all laughed. I felt both bags but wasn't looking for extra stuff, I was looking for missing stuff. At home, when I realized what I had done. Crap! 

 I raced back to return it. I can't appreciate stolen stuff (too easy) but mostly I didn't want the worker to get into trouble.

 Soon as I entered the weed store all eyes were on me (still had the sloth suit on DOh!) There was no discreet way so I blurted out "Hi Dingo the clown here, You may remember me from a few moments ago. I accidentally prestidijitated this big bag of weed. I'm ever so sorry. My mistake, Here ya go." 

I pulled the big bag of toke out and plopped it down on the table like a trout. The manager's eyes lit up. That was a lot of weed. "But how did you do that?" He was smiling...everyone was smiling. " I arrested/redirected everyone's attention ...including my own. It happens. I got powers but I only use them for good." He pointed to a counter display full of huge joints. 

"Pick any one of those on us Dingo. I'm starting to really love what you are about." I picked somthing nice and bailed. I'm super glad the employee didn't get into trouble and niether did I.

˙ssǝpoƃ ʞuɐɥʇ plᴉɯ uǝǝq ǝʌɐɥ sʇɔǝɟɟǝ ǝpᴉs ǝɥʇ ɹɐɟ os ʇnq ɔᴉƃɹɐɥʇɐl ɯ,ᴉ ǝɹos lɐǝɹ sᴉ ɯɹɐ ʎW ʎɐpɹǝʇsǝʎ ɹǝʇsooq pᴉʌoɔ ʎɯ ʇoƃ I

 

Today is my prostate exam day.

Anyone have any tips? oh that didn't come out right...oo niether did that. Nevermind i shouldn't be asking folks to butt into my medical procedures. Wish i had studied more, i don't always do well in exams.

LOng wait in the appropriatly named "waiting room." All I've had to eat all day was 40 oz, of coffee, and a Moderna Covid booster shot. The wait was so long I evolved into a new creature. 

Also a small tribe formed of the people on my side of the room. We were trading supplies with the tribe that evolved at the other side of the room but sadly tentions are rising. There is discontent between the factions. For our safety we have arranged the seats on our side into a protective circle. I'm keeping watch while others build fortifications filling barf bags with sand from the planter.

 It was quiet...too quiet. I thought hostilities would break out but they called my name. I abandoned my new tribe immediatly leaving them to their fate just as others had done ahead of me. The docs asked me why I waited so long.

 "Didn't you see what time your appointment was, you were way too early Dingo." The wait was so long because i don't read things enough. 

I don't mind because i always have fun. 

Dr. Coldfinger was very kind.

middle-aged, goth-kid,thruple

I just saw a local "middle-aged, goth-kid,thruple" walk by. They were uncharacteristically cheerful.
In fact the sun is out and they aren't under the black parasol. Then it struck me.
There's a plague on.
It's like their Christmas.
This is what they have been training for.
Good for them.
I told them "Happy Holidays"
They didn't respond.

Told Olive Rootbeer I was having an unpleasant, ill feeling.

She asked what my symptoms were. 
I told her I have been randomly changing the TV channels in a house across the street...with my mind. 
She asked what I had to eat all day. 
I recount four 16 oz. cups coffee and a Thai Iced tea. 
She isn't a med pro but she knew what was wrong.
 Puberty.

Is this a thing?
 I just realized that folks will be quarantined together, shag it up out of boredom, get preggers and name the kid Covid. "Larry Covid 19 you get in the house and do your homework!" They will eventually develop into quatenteens.

I'm romantic like that.

Just got up, having coffee at 10:pm. We did an early morning balloon delivery to an adorable 3 y.o. (Gift from his P's) He was blown away having O&D in his house. 
He usually sits silently at the shows and then talks about us all week. Then we did a show at a cake shop and went home.
 Jan. and Feb are the leanest months for us so we never have any scratch for valentines fun so we did the cheap route. All day snoozing and cuddle-puddle. 
Olive is frikkin beaming. It's all she wanted in the first place. She keeps thanking me but I'm the one who is grateful. 
She's cartoonishly fine and really good at making me offers I can't refuse.
 In the dark haze I kept seeing us as paintings. She looks like a Frank Frazetta character and I look like the Squidbillies. 
We could have had some cash this month. 
We got asked to do a gig 4 hours drive away. Some hundreds for a 45 min. show. We thought "Do we want money more than we don't want to pollute the air with car for 8 hr.s?" Nope. 
So we spent the day barely conscious rolling around in sensual town. We have always had a very tactile relationship but I'm a high functioning hyper active person who only ever sleeps about 5 hr.s a night. I get uncomfortable spending lots of time proned out. 
Olive is the cuddliest buggle ever so reclining is in her wheelhouse. I hear our houseguest today is a German engineer who is soaking up some Portland before heading out into the countryside to work on wind turbines. 
Maybe if we befriend him he will let us up in one of those things. That is if it's not too far to drive. I would find it romantic to go to the top of one of those things and make out while throwing full beers at the ground(with attached Gopro) and eating milkduds. 
I'm romantic like that.

Last week we were riding tallbikes with our 14 Y.O. son.

Last week we were riding tallbikes with our 14 Y.O. son. He got to see something unusual. He grew up on my tallbike but only recently started bike riding long distance with us on his own tallbike. For the most part he had to get used to folks cheering at us a lot. Well on this evening my bike light fell off the handlebars. 
I blame the butterfingers who installed it (myself). Our kid pulled over to pick it up for me but had to wait for a passing car. To his horror the car deliberately swerved a tire to the center of the road and atomized my light. 
Then it sped off leaving my light shattered into a million pieces . He was freaked out. "Dad that car went out of it's way to kill your light. What are you gonna do?"  
I was smiling the whole time. "I'm gonna do what I always do." and I pulled out an identical light with a sturdier strap, attached it without dismounting and clicked it on "Always plan for assholes son." 
He just rode for a while silently smiling.

Yeah it's still there. My favorite Portland landmark has survived to 2020.

I first noticed this ice cream sunday spill in 2017.

By then I had seen it several times. It's noticeable because this place doesn't sell Ice Cream of any kind.
This was a real deal, full blown, sprinkle clad, ice cream sunday all splayed out in an otherwise very clean restaurant. There it sat all of 2018.
I checked in frequently but didn't take pics because I didn't want to draw attention to it.
First it was a proud spill with lots of height but as entropy ensued it slowly spread itself and lost it's cup, sprinkles, fudge and spoon.
At one point I noticed an employee cleaning close to my favorite snowball in hell. Yes that is why I love it, it's a moving sculpture of maltodextrin, a rant on consumerism, a tribute to the idea of hiding in plain sight, It's powerful. fragile and out of place just like me. Being sold on something that isn't sold here is a triumph. I wasn't gonna let any clock puncher threaten my favorite landmark so I crowded over to it pumping $1s into the one armed bandit, pushing the button but only looking at the cleaner until the person moved on. "Whew, that was close Yo."
I was nervous. Would the spill make it to 2020? Yup.
Took this today. It's lost all vestiges of it's former glory but still has managed to stick around.
We should all be so lucky. :)
Rock on Sunday Spill!

"Croptober" last installment (helping the neighbor trim the last plants).

 It's a "hunter's moon"perfect time to bring my neighbor's last plants across the finish line. I'm a little starstruck.The only time I ever saw buds like this was in magazines. 

This one is called "Sticky Icky." There is chronic in backyards all over town these days. Our personal crop is already curing in Mason jars. 

I love how this situation encourages sharing and community. I also love so many folks getting around Big Pharma to grow their own medicine.

  Olive doesn't partake but she loves the love and care that come with trimming. I do partake and I'm into the meditation of fractals involved with trimming. 

We can get through them pretty fast. I'm looking forward to next year! 
Happy Croptober

"Entropy...I'm not half the stain I used to be."

 Bad news. My favorite Portland landmark is going away. It's an Ice Cream spill that used to be a full spilled Ice Cream Sunday that has been residing in a Mexican themed restaurant since I first noticed it circa 2017. It's extraordinary because the place doesn't sell ice cream. The staff is plentiful and they run a tight ship. It's a literal snowball in hell. And that ius why I love it. Underdog! :) 

The gambling machines must be a blind spot for the very religious staff because gambling es el diablo. Anyhoo. We just visited and noticed it has lost most of it's luster. I couldn't bring myself to photograph it. I wanna remember "Spilly" the way it was in this pic from months ago. Even if it fades away I will always remember how long it avoided the wipe rag. It's dying of natural causes. HANG IN THERE SPILLY!

"Consumers"

A giant apparatus has evolved to turn people into "Consumers" That word is an insult. We are sharers and contributors. "Consumer" is industry slang for "suckers". Our campfire conversation was about how well the sharers are doing and how bad the hoarders are doing these days. We don't mind seeing the end of hotels if people in houses are sharing rooms instead. Share food, blankets, medicine, information, space. share the burden of stewarding the country and of course share da weed man! ~Dingo Dizmal

Getting balloons.

People were tangling on our normally quiet, peaceful street.

Olive just bore witness to a kerfuffle.
2 CAMBs (Come-At-Me- Bro's) had a road rage episode in front of our house.

One CAMB was driving a truck loaded with bikes, the other CAMB was driving down the narrow street and apparently came to a disagreement with CAMB #1. CAMB#2 throws his vehicle in park.
They started screaming at each other inches from each others faces then breaking back. "At least I don't gotta sell bicycles all day" Traffic started backing up.
Cars were honking and CAMB#2 started screaming at them "This is obviously not the street to go down right now!" That was heard by the first car but not the 4 cars behind it. Gridlock!
They were tangling on our normally quiet street. I was close by but totally oblivious. At the time I was watering the plants and rocking out to Rush. I wasn't even wearing headphones. I have Cygnus X1 memorized. Olive tried to get the scoop.
She was still in full clown drag but she is really good at camo mode in front of colorful flowers. She stood there with phone at the ready but the combatant CAMBs were drifting their fight right at her.
So she ran off without getting pics (Good try citizen reporter Rootbeer). So CAMB#1 got in his truck, CAMB#2 got in his janky car and they both reversed at each other stopping just short of bumping tails.
CAMB#1 took off yelling and CAMB#2 quickly peeled out (still in reverse) in chase. Olive eventually found me asking "Did you see that?" Me: "Nope."

Colored delighted while checking my bike's traffic cam,

 

Colored delighted while checking my bike's traffic cam,

I see what Olive was up to when she is the passenger on my tallbike today. <3 span=""> <3 span=""> <3 span="">

Fred was my pay today

Career councilor.
 I was standing around outside a gig. I saw a young man, sharply dressed in white collar biz attire. He was looking a bit confused, peering around. He was looking for something but he clearly wasn't lost. 
I started drinking my coffee like a carrot and asked him. "What's up Doc.?" 
He said he was job hunting. He had a great job in the field of sumpin called tec-nologee but he got laid off after many years. 
He had been to some interviews but they hadn't gone well. He was standing there trying to determine what his next move was. 
I introed myself , he said he was Fred. 
He asked me whats my deal. I said. "
I'm just a clown in town, lets talk about Fred, Fred. How many interviews did ya do today?" 
He said 5. Fred said he never got a chance to show em what he could do. I was busy but decided to hook Fred up with some career coaching. 
The following fell out of my face with me also listening because I don't know where it came from.
 I sed "Fred, don't be defined by your problems and challenges." 
(Him:"I'm not.") 
me: Yes you are, I just met you and that's all I know about you. I want you to reinvent Fred. 
New Fred hooks up 20 interviews a day. Got a script? Got samples of your work?" 
("No but I should")
 "New Fred has a script to get through interviews and I can't stress this enough New Fred. YOU ARE INTERVIEWING THEM TOO! Ask them questions prodding if they are good enough for your time. If you get any answer that doesn't meet yer musterd throw them a fish and move on. 
New Fred's time is valuable."
 Mr. New Fred was grinning and tapping in my ideas into his phone. He asked if I had been to a lot of job interviews. 
I told him EVERYDAY is a job interview for me. He thanked me and said
"You got a good thing going on."
 Just about then Olive appeared in the window calling me in. 
He said "Who is that?" 
"That's my wife and partner New Fred. Her name is Olive Rootbeer."
 "She's fine! How do you..." 
"OK OK time to move along New Fred. Go be Fred Fred. Good luck."
 After the show Olive asked about him. 
When I told her I was giving career counseling she asked "Did you tell him this is our second gig and we still haven't made a penny?" LOL Nope. 
Fred was my pay today. :)

We made zero money at our gig. So understandably Olive decided we should go to a place the sells mustard by the 5 gal. bucket

 Olive could be heard from across the store laughing her head off.
 Our fellow customers and the employees had mixed reactions to seeing us.
One lady smiled huge and said "EEEEE circus peepoe!"
 Great to do some grocery shopping in bulk at the old Cash and Carry.
It was a riot tearing around there watching Olive go bonkers over the massive quantities.

 I really enjoyed the chance to give my son a lesson on pro kitchen and bar-tending equipment.

Mystery of the phantom turds solved.

Everyday, dog mess appeared in a local yard. 

Surveillance ensued. Nothing electronic, this was good old fashioned 5 am stakeout. The culprit: The neighbor three doors down lets his dog poop in the yard during the "wee hours" of the morning. 

Luckily the homeowner knows a clown who is easy to bribe and owns a pneumatic canon. 

These things are capable of sending a load over the house next door and right on it's perp-rooftop target.

 If you ever need this service I'm happy to oblige. My stick is on loan right now but when it's in my grubby hands I can make it sing (poop/fire/ski poles). 

I'm cheap too, I think I did this for a roll of dimes and a box of tampons (that I also shot out of the canon). 

Good times.

Free punk band names.

Lots of great stuff about the town I come from in South Texas. One thing the good people of Corpus Christi are good at is naming punk bands. 
All these years and miles later I'm still keying into potential band names that pop out of the headlines. 
As I listen to the news sites reporting the ill deeds of our current goverment, I can't help but wonder. What good does it do for me to listen to this? I can interpret world events myself Yo.
Then those phrases come up and my tail starts wagging.
A lot of whats going on is ideal fodder for procuring punk band names.
Unfortunately Portland is too hip and happy to support a punk scene. You need angst from suppression for punk. Portland doesn't create that so much. I won't be starting any bands. 
That doesn't mean you can't. 
Here is my list of top ten punk band names I dreamed up from the current political headlines. 
Use one or all for your band if ya like, it's on me. 
Rock on Donkey Kong. 
1. The Manifartz I would name my band this.
2. Mueller probe electronica
3. Individual one emo gothic
4. The Oligarchs ska band
5. The Presidential tweets acapella 
6. Steel Dossier hair metal
7. The Dangle Pardons country, funk, punk
8. Existential threat Straight edge punk
9. Trade Wars Pop punk
and last but not least...
10. Thunderbolt and lightning adventure core
(The affectionate names Stormy Daniel's gave to her post op breasts...and future Jeopardy clue). 
I love that the porn star is the only person in the political turmoil that I don't think is gross. :) 
11. Hush payment (slow jazz)
There ya go Joe.
These names could date your band but that's not a bad thing. 
This mess needs to be remembered.
Good luck!
~Dingo

http://oliveanddingo.com/donate/

Retraction alert.

Retraction alert. I made a mistake yesterday. Hi Gang, it's yer old pal Dingo the clown. We often are compelled to do the same material over and over because we know it's safe. 

New stuff is hit or miss and can come with some mistakes. 

We won't get to stay the People's clowns very long if we make a lot of mistakes. 

Yesterday we were doing a wonderful tea party to a packed Know Thy Food cafe. 

Olive and I were involved with some goofy banter where we were telling jokes. She did her three jokes and then it was my turn to close the deal. 

The plan was for me to go with a non-sequitur. Knock Knock, who's there? Banana. That's it. 

My daughter made that up when she was three and it was a riot to her. In the lead up to the joke, my mischievous brain was coming up with lines I definitely should NOT say. "banana hammock" came to mind. 

Then it was my turn. All was going well until the punchline part. Knock Knock, who's there? Banana, Banana who? ...and I stupidly pronounce "Banana hammock!" 

As that rediculous phrase was falling out of my face, it spilled out in slow motion. I had plenty of time to wonder how this unfortunate moment came to pass. 

"Banana hammock" went blissfully over the heads of the shorty's and many parents were looking at me like Olive was...with some curiosity and concern. 

They quickly seemed to forgive me and we moved on with the show. I'm sorry I said "banana hammock" Yall. 

We are going back to the same place today (Know Thy Food cafe) for our weekly 10:30 storytime show.

 I promise to keep my language on task and out of any innuendo that is too obvious. Thank you Portland for being so forgiving. ~Dingo

 — at Know Thy Food Cooperative.

http://oliveanddingo.com/donate/

chilly morning ride home

Great day for a chilly, brisk ride home from work. 

This morning before our show I walked into Henry Higgins bagels.. I ordered coffee and a bagel, tried to pay, as usual they wouldn't let me. A large group of 20 somethings were sitting at a table nearby. As I waited, one of them noticed me and started talking about me like I couldn't hear them. "Oh I forgot to tell you (to a friend) Portland is the kind of town where famous people walk around and visit shops like normal. look there, That's a famous clown called "Oliver". LOL! I wasn't about to correct them. My order came up and the barista didn't miss a beat, "Order for Oliver!" and handed me my loot.   oliveanddingo.com

Teens at burger joint drive thru: "Dingo, can i please get a free balloon, it's my birthday." Me: "You bet!" I don't care how old you are, be polite and I'm happy to break my stride.

http://oliveanddingo.com/donate/