Horror Story for Halloween

Once upon a time, there was a president who was retarded with religion. He was the puppet commander of the most powerful country in the world. He was also a feeble minded frat boy that was owned by some powerful corporations. He had no idea how most people lived; his dad had no idea how to buy food from a grocery store.
One day, one of the sons of the president's Saudi oil friends ordered some other fellas, who were also retarded with religion, to crash some planes into a couple of big buildings.
They were trained in Afghanistan, so the president called up the military and sent it to blow stuff up and chase people into caves. They bombed that stone age culture into a dead age culture.
When people complained, the president said, "Don't worry, y'all they were retarded with religion. D'jasee them suckers tarpin' the wimmin?"
When the time was right, the president decided to tell his people that a dictator of another country had W.M.D.s. In reality, the country had O.I.L.
He sent many troops into this other country, including army reserve troops. It was ok to send out the reserves, it's not like his country was ever going to get hit by multiple hurricanes, or anything. He had never REALLY served in the military, but he did have a uniform, so that qualified him to make these decisions.
His strategy was very simple, "GO,IN'ER AN GIT DAT OIL! YEEEEHAWWW!"
Thousands died, and the oldest history museum in the world was sacked by looters, because when they attacked this country, they only decided to guard the oil, and not the people. It was all ok, because the president couldn't see any dead people from his house, and he didn't read papers. Plus, his puppeteers made sure YOU didn't see any dead people, either.
They blew the hell out of that country, and in the end found no W.M.D.s. When he saw all the devastation he had done, he said, "OOPS! I'll get it!" and sent his VICE president, a goul named DICK, to rob his countrymen of billions of dollars by "rebuilding" it, contracting with a company that owned him, called Halliburton, at a cost of about $35.00 per nail and $53.oo a board.
At the same time, those reserve troops and regular soldiers were killed every day by road side bombs. The people with the bombs were defending their country from the same form of religious retardation that had been killing them for centuries. The president called them "Evil doers" and "terrorists."
You would think that behaving like this would get a president in a lot of trouble, and he would never be re-elected, but this guy had a smart ally and part owner...The FOX.
The FOX did a great job going all over the country, tricking people into voting against their best interests. When thousands of people protested the war, the FOX told everyone there were just a few, or none at all. When people didn't want any more troops to die, the FOX convinced them that they "Didn't support the troops." Fox also liked to call protests "riots,"
The president did his job, too, distracting people with cries of "Mushroom clouds, gays falling out of the trees and into the schools, and lets get cheap gas by digging up Alaska". He had a huge contingent of people who were really retarded with religion that were happy to send him yet more money to do the Lord's work.
When it came down to it, on voting day, the presidents friend DIEBOLD, who owned most of the voting machines, told everyone that the president would surly win. DIEBOLD is the guy that makes a lot of video poker machines, yet people took their chances. Why would a gambling machine manufacturer ever think of fooling the people?
Now the president can't get elected again, without imposing martial law on election day.
During his last election, he had a really silly color wheel hat determined when it was likely that the people he had just murdered would strike back. It worked like this: When he was down in the polls, the terror wheel of fortune would turn red, and airports would grind to a halt. When the polls were up, then people could move again.
So, the president just threw his money on the pile with the rest, colored in his coloring book and when he wasn't on vacation, and concentrated on filling the White House and Supreme Court with people who have no idea how to do the job, but plenty of ideas how to be religiously retarded.
WOOOOOOOH!
HAPPY HOLLOWEEEEN!
Now more cat stuff

warm linkage

have a drink on me

Here ya go

Work on this

Consumer warning

Don't let anyone call you a consumer. It sounds like what it is, and what it is,is, yecch!
Off the tall bike, when I see construction sites, my brain sees them as termites, eating away at a giant log and turning it into a self serving hill of re-arranged, spit-up particles.
When I was a stupid kid (28) I was hitch hiking through Oklahoma. As night fell, my strategy was to find open country, or woods, away from people before I slept. One night I came upon a whole herd of Giant metal Termite Tractors with big claws and armor. They had been hammering this little woodland Eden all day and by the next, most of it would all be gone.
Through a clearing behind those ugly beasts I could see what was to come of that land. Glowing a half mile away and behind the Oklahoman moon I shuttered, BEST BUY. The sign glowed in the sky so brightly that it reflected off the clouds giving the whole place the feeling of being in electric blue office lighting.
I kicked my shoe off (I'll tell ya why I was wearing only one shoe in another story) and reached into my fudge crusted bag (same story as the shoe) and pulled out a crayon(Sharpies weren't invented when I trekked across Oklahoma). I wrote on the door of the muddy thing, all my grievances, why I chose to relieve myself on the door handle, how they could be just as enriched by stewerding the land and why they must stop.
Yes I know what your thinkin, what a nerd! YUP! Guilty as charged, I didn't even write the note in English, it was all in theban, an ancient language adopted by occultists around the turn of the last century hahahaha!
I felt the tattered ground between my toes and I could instantly feel all the critters that had been lived there before. Some dead all displaced or claimed by the road. Not one of them had pockets, thus no money = No need for a BEST BUY or anything like it in their living room. I sat on the thing and thought about it. Suddenly, from the deep woods I herd a howl. I dropped down to a crouch and quickly put my shoe back on. In my bag I carried a small brass telescope. I pulled it out and looked in the direction of some backlit piles of dirt near the darkest woods.
I counted 1,2,3,5,7 lost count, a bunch of coyotes or wolves or wild dogs (packs of wild dogs run the night where I'm from in south Texas) I was watching them and admiring them when it dawned on me that they were in fact hunting me. I know what that looks like from being back home in Corpus Christi.
I took my eyes away from the lens and sitting right to my left was a tiny school of deer. They had zero fear of my nerdy, hippy, clown self, what was I gonna do to them, play awful guitar or perhaps swing my shoe at them? I told the deer closest to me that "those sunsabiches (really) were after all of us" and they should skidattle. The deer looked over to the BEST BUY sign and we both knew they had no place to go. They took off anyway and I hope they made it ok. The canines were still getting closer to me so I took off running down the direction of the BEST BUY sign and made my way out of the demolition zone by jumping and dodging holes like an ice cream truck in a battlefield.
I was up against a lot, but in those days I was on the road solo, a road dog, I didn't get in cars as much and had no real destination. I was used to sleeping in the rain, eating bugs, getting hunted by mountain lions and most dangerous of all REDNECKS IN FRIKKIN OKLAHOMA,TEXAS AND ARKANSAS.
So running at speed, sustained was no problemo, the thing was that to those dogs it was even less of a problemo and they were closing in fast. I found a fence and jumped it, and then from some peoples backyard I watched the great looking dogs run by howling and hooting, still couldn't see who they were. I walked into civilization and came to a 24 hour fast food joint. I walked in and they must have thought I was a clown version of Jesus because the guy getting himself a burger looked at me and said to the other guy,"Jesus, look at this clown" in a thick Oklahoman accent. I did look pretty "road worn" with just the one shoe, covered in sweat, blood (from the rebar sticking out of concrete rubble) crusty fudge down the front of worn army pants, shirtless ond unshorn.
I had a shirt in my bag I promise.
The fella bought me a milk shake and some fries, then gave me his smokes and I left. I stood out there in the electric blue glow and decided to take my chances with the dogs. It didn't matter much, by the time I got near the woods again the sun was coming up so I guess the woods got consumed.

Distraction

The stuff going on a such a drag that I have been looking for distractions, taking a cue from my brother Pepto. I've been cultivating my inner pervert. Now, unlike Pepto, I still would never put Vasoline on my face and peer into retirment home windows, but truth be told, my bedding is starting to look like an old abandoned air field where large flightless birds congrigate.
You might think, "What about your girl Caffeine, she shouldn't have to sleep in that mess." Well she is the love of my life, but she has her own room and bed.
She gets off work at the same time I start work so I still have no idea how she got pregnant. It sure better be a clown baby!

JEESUS

Collective housing

porn

Reuse is cool!

I just found out that the city wont let the recycling people give us any more than two recycling bins, that sucks, we have way more recycling than trash, the whole idea is to keep as much stuff as possible out of the land fill.
Anyone have any ideas to get around yet another road block set up by the city?
I love the reuse thing , and I'm sad that it's so hard to do the right thing in this land of over stuffed, over packaged garbage.
I hate being sad sooooooo. Lets look at some frikkin cats in sinks!!!!YAY!!

Last Thursday come and gone

I was at work and Chlorine and Capt. Insano did a stint as the fun police. I hear there was a gaggle of sad clowns across the street holding a candle light vigil for us that turned into a dance party.
I was working with a fella named Tyler and we made up songs about suicide.
One called "Paint the devil on the wall," is a Texas blues tune and "Shower with the vacume it's lots of fun" is sung 20s hoppin jazz style.
The yard has zero props save for a lone clown hung from the neck untill dead representing the way a few people have in many ways killed us.
Now back to the goofyness.
Speaking of dead cartoons

I agree with all of this exept the homophobia

play withyourself,I do

OH MY GOD! some christians are so feeble minded and yet happy to inflict religion on you.

Now this guy knows how to make a complaint

NO Last Thursday for us friends

We cant just leave the place in a high traffic day without security for sarcastic compliance of city codes on the stuff you have in your yard so now without further ado meet your Alberta street, Clown HouseFUN POLICE!!!
Chief chlorine Enema Jones!!!
that's right my friends and she will be ready to deputise other clowns for patrols around the Clown House compound looking for any and all perpetrators of FUN.
She will be on the look out for trash, trashy clothing, trashy novels, Fake trashy (or pho-filth), Trash mountain boys better not come round, and especially trashy looking circus tribe. She has a bat, a badge and a dog so don't you dare come round the clown house laughing or all hell is gonna break loose. In fact, I'm glad Ill be working on Last Thursday because I'm always having some kind of fun and I'm afraid of bats.

OK now were gettin some where. We just got a letter from the city and another one from the local restraunts. They basically say: "Thank you for all the public service, fixing up so many free bikes, putting on all those free shows, and bringing commerce and goodwill to Alberta in recent years. Your homeschool program is a great way to releive some of the strain on our neighborhood school." Since we appear to be exausted from keeping it up so long, they are lending us a dumpster and some guys from the county jail, to help us catch up with the cleaning...AND they gave us a check for a few hundred dollars for the money we lost, and just to help out our shattered nerves, they tracked down the developer who complained, and fined him 2 grand for abusing the city services.
Then, a huge South American Chupacabra flew out of my butt, and showed me the REAL letter we got today from the city, threatening us and calling us a nusiance.

Update...Did the anonymous complaint come from Lake Oswego?

Here is a review of our on going coverage of the exclusive story we call
Clown House in Crisis City of Portland storm 05
The Clown House started 8 years ago, at the end of a circus tour. We had a child and decided to focus on having a place to raise our kiddo, get involved in a community, build bikes for people who need them, provide a place for weary travelers to land when on tour themselves and, of course,to have a good time.
We have had some really nasty scrapes with greedy contractors and developers over the years. Especially in the Mississippi neighborhood, the common tactic to rid the neighborhood of black folks and other undesirables is to use the city as a weapon. They call in complaints anonymously about yard infractions, the city then bugs the landlord with threats of fines until they decide to toss the tenants, and/or sell off.
This is once again happening on Alberta street. As new buildings come up,so does the rent all around, and the unscrupulous puddin head developers, riding around in gargantuan SUVs that are empty of cargo and clean from not being used for the actual heavy duty work they were designed for, protect their investments and set up new ones by crawling the streets looking for opportunity.
Our landlord (nice guy, likes kids)called about a vague letter from the city about our yard here being full of trash and debris and said it all had to go or he will face a $2000 fine and turn it over to us.
Define trash and debris. It's all relative to the person looking at it. It may have been in a dumpster when we found it, but when it's painted and in our yard, an old wooden spool becomes a fabulous circus prop that, in the hands of clowns, has entertained hundreds of people on Alberta street.
The irony is, when they go to sell the properties they have swooped on, they always say "Arts District," or if it's a property near the clown house they say "In the heart of the Alberta Arts."
Most neighborhoods that experience big economic booms lose the soul that made them appealing in the first place. NW 21st & 23rd are a classic example. Also, "cleaning up" doesn't mean that the urban blight goes away. NW still holds the dubious honor of having the highest rate of drug overdoses.
Strong communities require economic & ethnic diversity to survive. As a Clown-American, I sincerely hope that this kind of economic harassment doesn't remove the soul, or my family, from NE ALberta.
We had to get rid of all the bikes, they were in a row behind the house and were used to build funny bikes, provide transpo for folks who couldn't afford a bike, teaching welding, and for inventing things (I wonder if Orville and Wilbur had this problem?). The dead bike row also was the only means the bike shop had for helping to pay its rent. We sold parts and gear to other bike people for cheap, and used the money to help pay for power and or rent.
If the bike shop paid our living expenses, then we would have time to manage the thing in an orderly way, but we are relying on mostly anarchists and clowns for our management team. We didn't decide to have a public bike shop in a board room; it evolved, rather autonomously, because anarchists, clowns, & other folks WANTED it to happen. And people still want it. But who will keep it looking neat and pretty for the developers?
It seems that no matter what we do, the high property values make some folks ruthless.
I'm gonna keep cleaning and getting rid of props and materials and hopefully we can find a use for an empty yard.
This has been on going coverage of the exclusive story
Clown House in Crisis City of Portland storm 05
and now back to our regularly scheduled clownarchy
Every stick of our furnature came from dumpsters I relate to this.

I dont know how I feel about this

Extremo the clown

Extremos car and the only automobile that I have ever respected ever.

While we get the pre-inspection, inspection

hit and run...for miles
where I want to be when I turn 100 years old
10 comandments need a re write

The fella from the city is here doing a pre-inspection, inspection. Now we learn for what crime we were accused and what punishment we will have to endure. Caffeine is out there showing him the yard toys and how they are not trash (my rule of thumb is, it's never trash if you can get on it and ride it.Thats the case with the giant spools)
While she deals with the man, I'm doing my part by hiding in the porn pipe and talking to you.
Do yall like the links I keep sticking up ? I have tons of stuff to write about, in fact my head is always exploding with content but I hardly have time to both write, and track down rent and grub, so when I surf the net I like to share what I find with you.

I'm watching a Gwar video, it's so doggone cool I could just sh*#. I'm back from my night job as a line cook. It's a very entertaining job, My job is cooking, grubbin, Indian food and passing it through a window into the land of inspiration.
From the wait-staff having gladiator battles over the food in the window to the crazy lady screaming racial hatred to cops, outside in the middle of the street.
Caffeine teaches sunday school at the big Unitarian church downtown, today she had to do that, come home for a bite, and then work a shift at The Star E Rose cafe, she is really tired and understandably snoozing.
A great part of her day was between jobs when she and I were interviewed by Rich Mackin for the Mercury, they had a fella come take some photos yesterday so I cant wait to see the article,
I bet it will be about the Clown House and it's over all infuence on domestic and foreign affairs pertaining to the strategic oil reserves as well as the price of adult bullfrogs in Southern Africa, between South Africa and Zambia. But thats just a guess.
The house is happy and healthy again, no good can come of constant worry so we are all back to abnormal. Banjo the dog has learned better ways to hunt down mice, I don't think she will ever be patient enough to sit still and wait like a cat would, but then again she would never walk around spraying putrid urine all over the house just because shes horny.
I would.

LINKAGE

links
into a world you never see
new sister clown house?
Draw figures in a creepy way
mobius

crappy night

Just as I was getting home from a long night of getting slammed line cooking at my work, 2:30 am I'm rolling into the yard of the Clown House and my neighbor across the street yelled to me that a couple of jerks had just made off with a few of our house bikes, Just then Ruby Cube and Blair drove up in thier car and we wizzed down the street after them. We came upon Maxi Stack, folded up and busted in the road and I jumped out and grabbed it. It's a Zoo Bomb bike that is a tall bike built with no welding, only cleverly placed bolts and screws, I guess it screwed somebody because it's kind of banged up and steering left.
The other two went off into the darkness, finally comming upon a guy in the dark beside a fence rubbing his arm like he had just stolen a tall bike and crashed hard. Dude went after the guy buy he escaped into thin air they said. I have to wait for light to see who elses bike got nabbed.
That complaint from the city/developers/? whomever is sure causing a lot of trouble over here, predictably, when all the half built bikes went away, all thats left are the perfectly working bikes, out in the open, when before they were easy to hide in the graveyard row.
I can't exactly just build up another one.
Hey be on the look out for another one of our bikes that was stolen a few days ago, it's a tall bike coclred like a lady bug, it may or may not still have the trailabike on the back. It's Tophers bike thats a primary mode of transpo for him and his little one.
I was just thinking of some of the stuff we lost for things we were inventing. We were half way to finishing a little bike/ice cream maker that a little kid could ride in place and make frozen treats, we had found a bike that had a drive shaft instead of a chain and were hooking up the old timey crank Ice cream maker when we found it leaked lead so we were waiting to dumpster a good one, won't happen now.
Also I was working on ways to convert kids playing on trampolines of bikes into power for batterys... I still might get that one in the can.
Not all days are so fun, but I did get an email inviting me to the shift list and I was so grateful to see the folks in solidarity to our fight.
I'ts still not a bad time to be a clown in p town.

While we wait for the inspection...

We are gonna have a baby in Feb. Here's how the ugly mess went down.
replace the word Klinik for Clown House.

Our plainface friends

Many non-clowns helped with "Operation Clean Sweep: an economy in ruin," this last few days. I would like to thank J.Maus for getting the word out, and for digging up the info on who is mad at us and why. Jon is the only person we know personally who came to our gig last week,kicking off the PISS fest.
The fourth Annual Portland International Short Short Film Fest (aka PISS
Fest!) is Friday, October 21 and Saturday, October 22 at the Hollywood
Theatre. ShowTime is 7 PM and 9:10 PM on each night. Each show features
a different line-up of films. Information on all of the films to be
shown can be found at www. zonkerfilms.com <http://www.%20zonkerfilms.com>
The Hollywood Theatre is located at 4122 NE Sandy Blvd. in Portland.
I was so glad to see Jon (exept for the part when he almost killed me, grinding my torso, under his foot, into a bed of broken glass). The rest of the crowd didn't really know what they were looking at.
Wise old bike guy not only kicked us down money, he also told me the story of the "Lambert Death Forks." He found a set in our collection, and told me what they were, so we were able to save a piece of interesting bike history...kind of like owning an Edsel, or something. It'll make a great peice for The Museum of Bike Weaponry (one of my side projects, details at a future date, so far it's awsome).
There were about 10 fellas who dropped by, and traded some dough for some frames and gear. I know all those bikes will end up on the road, and that's what it's all about.
The Super Double Manditory Inspection of Doom will be going down the day after Last Thursday, or soon after, depending on city staff time, so I think it would be in the best interest of the Clown House to be shut down during the Last Thursday art walk. I've already commited that night to my cook job, so I won't be around.
Thanks also to you, Portland, for tuning in to our little corner of the city, and the adventures of the Clown House. My worst fear is that we become the Hillsboro Clown House and meth exchange.
Stay tuned for updates in our continuing coverage of "Clown House in Crisis" the quest for sustainability.

GO PORTLAND! By Chlorine

Wow-wee!
This is so very cool, to see a whole buncha people speaking out to KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD!
It sure has been a busy week, here at the clown house. Not knowing what, exactly, needed to be cleaned up, we've been purging all our excess stuff...I even cleaned the ATTIC!

Hey, that reminds me of a joke:
Look down your shirt, and spell attic.

Anyway, a whole gaggle of clowns, & clown-positive plainfaces has been working night & day, delivering bike parts, unclaimed laundry, & Nordic Traks to... well, they didn't tell me where they took it all. I think it was the dump and the scrapyard, but Dingo told me they're storing it all at the bottom of the Willamette River. I'm not so sure I beleive him, cuz he also said they burned it all in the alley, and I know for a fact, most of that stuff won't burn.

People were so nice to write & call the city, just for little old us. Also, people at the City were so nice to call & help us work it out. Our friends were so nice to come over for a short-notice work party. Gosh, everyone's so doggone PORTLAND! thanks!

I think tomorrow I'll take my sub & go dumpster diving. I hear there's some good bike parts at the bottom of the Willamette.
And don't worry, we'll keep ya posted on any new developments.
La Lucha Continua!
love, Chlorine Enema Jones

Story starts at "Dirty Clowns"

THANK YOU, PORTLAND!

Hello, everyone! Caffeine Jones, here, dashing off a quick note to everyone to express my deepest gratitude for the outpouring of support we've received over the last few days!

Today, I recieved two wonderful phone calls, one from our local inspector, and one from a really nice guy from the City Commissioners' office.
It appears they've had a flood of emails & phone calls, voicing support for the Clown House Bike Shop.
So here's the deal: the inpector was kind enough to make an appointment w/me for Monday, to walk the yard, and let me know if there are any remaining violations.
The gentleman w/the Commissioners' Office was hopeful that we could come up w/some kind of maintenence sytem, so that we could be keeping the shop clean, so as not to generate any further complaints. He was very understanding of the fact that one man's trash is another man's treasure, and that a stack of frames is a potential goldmine to someone who needs a bike.

I need to tell you all that, having had this as a recurring issue, over the last 6 years of having an informal bike shop, I couldn't be more thrilled to be hearing so much from the citizens of Portland that this is a resource that is valuable to you all. We certainly feel good about keeping things out of the trash, teaching mechanics, & getting people transportation who need it. Since we know that it is appreciated, we can go ahead & work out some systems to ensure its sustainability.

I will let you all know how our meeting with the inspector goes, & I will try to get from him a list of guidelines, so we can keep it all kosher.

Thanks again, Portland. I was losing a little faith in humanity, and you've reminded me why I choose to live here!

Trying to Reach Our Friendly Neighborhood Inspector...

Caffeine Jones here... resident bureaucracy officer for the Clown House.
Since our landlord recieved a notice, but we did not, I have been leaving him messages to get us a copy.
When I saw the inspector's name & contact info. on the city site, I decided to get ahold of him today (my first opportunity), & ask him to clarify w/us what, exactly, we need to do. Lw & behold, his name & # are no longer on the web page! I can't contact him!
Also, the link to the complaint site on Dingo's blog has stopped working!
So. I tried to go to the city site, & access the complaint through the city's GIS map. The site is all gummed up & won't load!
AAAARGH!
Sure hope the landlord gets back to us soon. He's a very busy guy, though. Wish us luck!

Stay tuned...

Will the Clown House sustain more damage from Hurricane City of Portland?
Will there be a Last Thursday clown romp?
Will the baby be a boy or a girl?
Will it be answered why the city MUST inspect the clown house for too many bikes or other violations on the day AFTER last Thursday?
What was that crack about throwing ape crap?
And for crissakes will sombody let the dog off the hook?
These questions and more may or may not be answered on the next riveting instalment of
Clown House in Crisis fools under siege...

warm links

crime

people

game

having nothing to do with the current "CRISIS AT THE CLOWN HOUSE Portland storm 05" . just some silly links that made me laugh.

Day 3 THE CLOWN HOUSE IN CRISIS

I awoke to angry sounds. A giant truck(super clean, no cargo) was in the yard, with an angry man(also clean), who was throwing a bag of leaves and papers into the yard.
I guess last night some of our crew dumped the bag in his dumpster, and now he is pissed off. If we do it again, he is gonna call the Sheriff. I'm glad he didn't call them, and I'm grateful, but I still think of contractors and developers as criminals who get rich by raping the land and displacing the poor, while doing very little actual work ("That's what Mexicans are for"...actual quote from another rapist I worked near).
I just saw the complaint against us, thanks to a savvy hacker Jon, and the whole deal is about the Bone Yard. Just the bikes...I think the word "Junk" is referring to some real junk, but also to props and weird creations that you would have to actually TALK to us to discover what it is, and what it's function is. Last year, they hated our clothes line because they didn't know what it was.
The Bone Yard was a vital part of the house economy.
I think that, every year or so, a house as big as ours should have a dumpster, to get rid of excess stuff left by long gone roommates, and yard debris, but dumpsters are expensive! We can't afford that, our main goal is keeping the lights on and the rent paid. Selling stuff from the bone yard and using the parts to service people's bikes is a job we all do, it's a great way to show the kids we teach bike mechanics to the practical applications of the trade. Those bikes helped to teach 6 people how to weld this summer. Now it's all gone, swept away by the money greased pen of Hurricane Portland.
The final tally of the last ditch sell off....$112 I gave $12 to the crew for beer, under the stipulation that they drink it anywhere but around my house, and gave the hundie to Caffeine who told me it was almost how much money we need to get a sonigram photo of our unborn child.
We don't need a photo of the baby, and the money sure would go to better uses, but if we don't get the sonagram, then O.H.P. won't let her have the baby with a midwife. So the last money made by the wholesale slaughter of my livelihood just went down the drain.
The Bone Yard was not a heap, it was organized: from bare frames in the back, all the way up to almost complete bikes in the front, all in a row. With all the people who use the shop, there is an appearance of chaos, but we do have volunteers who come & organize from time to time, and if the city droog ever bothered to ask, we would have told them what was up.
It was never about the bikes. To them, I think it was pressure from the new high rent shopping and fooderies that pushed them to push us.
I'm trying to get as much done before I have to go to one of my jobs as a dishwasher. It's stressful to go to work not knowing what to expect in the next week. I cant masturbate without feeling like an ape in a zoo, so instead Ive taken to throwing feces at passing gawkers and beating my chest.
Gotta go to work now, more later on the breaking story...CLOWN HOUSE IN CRISIS

The Bone Yard is Gone.

Hi folks, here's an update in the continuing saga...

CLOWN HOUSE IN CRISIS!

For hours and hours, we have been pulling bike parts and other stuff from cubby holes and shelves, loading them on bike trailers and hauling them out to waiting people in other parts of town. Anything that looks trashy has been removed, and in an astounding display of courage and loyalty, Rabbit, Loco Susto, Lynn, Tiago, Carol, Twitch and and others loaded a fantastic parade of metal on trailers, with tall bikes, and took it off into the night and out of my life.
The deadline for removal is 2:30 Wed. Knowing that we couldn't do it alone, We called upon our friend Kristin to show up in his super long van. We looked like soldiers, loading the van twice with all manner of bikes and bike-related peraphanalia.
I feel good thinking about where all the bikes went. The idea behind me collecting so much stuff is to get it on the road, in the place of cars, if at all possible. Where our stuff went, I'm confident it will reach people who can't afford a bike.
It just struck me: the same people will be served by the bike heap as before, I just won't be the guy building them HAHAHA! I win, Portland. Hahahahaha!
OH, wait, I still have to deal with getting rid of props and other stuff,plus theres the two inspections...more later, I gotta get busy, love yall
D.

A bike lawyer offers help, Caffeine Jones replies...

Caffeine Jones here, Dingo's girl. You're so sweet to offer help. I
don't know what you know about the city regulations, but here's the
situation:]
Many people use our bike shop, visit our yard, etc. Needless to say,
they do not all clean up after themselves. Also, Many people donate
scrap wood; dead bikes; wilting ( but still partly good) produce; large,
stange contraptions that no one else wants... what have you. For Dingo
& myself, it is very hard, on a personal level, to kick people out, turn
down donations, & harass our housemates & bike mechanic friends to clean
up. So things get messy. And when we clean up, it stays clean for about
ten minutes.
So this week, an inspector came down Alberta, handing out notices.
Obviously, we were cited. This is not the first time we've been
contacted by them, but it IS the first time our landlord got a notice, &
not us. This means we have no list of specific violations that need to
be remedied, so we are cleaning & hauling madly, & cancelling Last Thurs
(they are re-inspecting the next day), but we are worried that, without
a specific list, they will fine us anyway.
A contractor friend of ours was here today, & he told Dingo he'd had a
conversation with a guy employed by the city who was feeling badly about
his job. The guy said that, over here on Alberta, the city is being very
vague in their notices, so that people won't know what they are supposed
to fix. Then they are charging their exorbitant rates. Apparently, the
city can put a lein on the property, and they are using it as a scare
tactic. He said it was like working for gangsters.
Some developer types used the city to get us evicted from our old house,
so we are gunshy. (Those guys were actually dumping trash in our yard, &
then calling the city. That was an extreme situation.) The landlord,
tired of ongoing problems, decided to "remodel," & served us w/a
no-fault eviction. He said, "It's nothing personal. I just want my house
back."
Dingo & I have been dealing with this type of thing for years. We want
to offer free access to a bike shop, be a clearing house for gleaned
food, let all the neighbor kids come over & play, live in a community
house, save good bike parts from the scrap metal yard...in short, we
have our goals & ideals. We also don't want to be grumpy, nag people,
tell them not to come around, stop the parties...we don't like being the
fun police. We are currently waiting for houses to become more
affordable, and our credit score to get higher, so we can buy a place,
and spare landlords this anxiety. In the meantime, we don't want to
close the shop, stop food donations, or anything else.
If you know anthing we can do to procect ourselves, or how to get the
city to be REALLY SPECIFIC about what they want, it would be much help.



Mark J. Ginsberg said...

I have a few thoughts:

1. Be good tenants, call and/or write your landlord and tell them you didn't get a copy of the notice, but can they please send you a copy or let you know what is says so you can do what city wants. Also ask who signed it b/c you will need to follow up. this shows Landlord you aren't jerks.

2. Be good citizens (you already are) and follow up with city, ask them specficially what needs to be done, write to them (save a copy), send cc copies to people up the city food chain. in your letter point out that you never got a copy, so while you are trying to comply, it is hard to do, if you haven't seen the violation notice.

3. if you really feel this is a problem done for evil reasons, then figure out what bureau is sending the notices and the write an email or letter to the city commissioner in charge of that bureau. tell them about the practice and then ask them to follow up and for help.

there may be some things which may be in violation, what you want is them to tell you specifically what is in violation so you can fix it.

an ugly yard is not a violation

some of your other stuff might be.

hope this helps a little.

let me know how it progresses.

Mark

dirty clowns

OK the City of Portland has a problem with our huge collection of bike frames and parts, the only way to store them is side by side, in a line, thats not good enough for Portland "The city that works...you". They also have a problem with all of the stage stuff and props that propagate the yard, to them we are an eyesore.
SO instead of using the bikes to provide cheap or free bikes to working people who need them, we gotta let them all go.
I would sooner stick a wad of my own hair in a pipe and smoke it before letting the scrap guys melt the collection down and turn it into car parts so I need all of you back yard bike wrenchers and seat post pullers to come and get stuff.
Don't ask what parts we have, they are widely varied between the clunkyest huffy to the expensive road bike frames.
I'm at the Clown House 2425 NE Alberta 503 284 3328, call and let us know your comming, bring a few dollarydoos for the house fund (if you can)and get some bikes on the road.
Sorry I sound so pissed off but all we are ever trying to do is help people out and it seems that the powers that be are never having it.
We had to stop distributing free food as well and they want all the houses in town to look like nobody lives in them. I'm only opening the pile up for a few days and then I'll have to figger something else out, the inspection is gonna be before the weekend.

Alright folks!
We found a great promotion to sell our Dog treats. (You know, only we can help ourselves out of poverty.) I just told everyone that if we dont sell enough at least to buy the next shipment of organic bean flours and free range eggs that I would be forced to shoot poor Banjo in the head.
I guess in hind sight I shouldn't have let Pepto come up with our sales slogan, "Buy Dawg Snax or Dingos gonna shoot this stupid dog in the head."
I asked Banjo and she had no comment.
But Thank you Amnisia brewery and Saltys pet shop (both on the desputed Mississippi gentrification projects) They have baught enough for us to break even and we still have plenty to make a profit with and pay some bills.
Thanks again folks, you saved the dogs life. Go in to Saltys Pet store, she has rubber pigs and ducks and a bunch of other toys I would love to play with, plus the lady who works the counter is so doggone hot, I always forget why I walked in there.

Tiago's blog

Heres a fine fella called Tiago, he lives acrossed the street from the Clown House and along with his companion Carol have been getting into the same cool shinnanigans as us. He has some really fun shotsa of the yard during the mini bike races and also some of the Sprockettes when they were here.
I cant understand any of his writing but the photos tell a great tale of summer here in Portland from down town wierd bikes to Zoo Bombing.

gig this Sunday

Tickets for PISS Fest! shows may be purchased on-line through the
Hollywood Theatre website at http://www.hollywoodtheatre.org/ beginning
at Midnight tonight, October 13. Tickets are $6 for each show.

The fourth Annual Portland International Short Short Film Fest (aka PISS
Fest!) is Friday, October 21 and Saturday, October 22 at the Hollywood
Theatre. ShowTime is 7 PM and 9:10 PM on each night. Each show features
a different line-up of films. Information on all of the films to be
shown can be found at www. zonkerfilms.com <http://www.%20zonkerfilms.com>
The Hollywood Theatre is located at 4122 NE Sandy Blvd. in Portland,
Oregon. Their event hotline is 503-281-4215. Visit their website at
http://www.hollywoodtheatre.org/


Sponsors of the 2005 PISS Fest! include Downstream
(http://www.downstream.com/
),
Baby Wit (http://babywit.com/
),
Filmthreat.com, KNRK, and the Portland Mercury
**
*Opening Party at Holocene Sunday, October 18*
**
Press, sponsors and advertisers are invited to attend a private opening
party for PISS Fest! at Holocene on Sunday, October 18. The party
begins at 7 pm and will feature films, DJ, food, and circus performers
from the infamous Alberta Street Clown House...AND we are buying a drink
for the first 100 folks through the door!

YAY! our movie is on the internet!

MOVIE

Our good friend Ron took one of our movies and found a way to put it on the net so you can see it.
Can you do us a big favor and tell me if it came through clearly and if there is sound?
The Clown house computor is mute and has poor quality everything.
We have a freak Box from Free Geek but I'm still installing it...so watch the movie, laugh, write me back and tell me what you think.
Thanks Ron!

This has nothing to do with bird flu or any other distraction. It's a quiz I created while watching the news. It lives on the Big Bang Circus website.

Face in the paper

My lovely mug came out in the paper today. I got a round of applause at the Star E. Rose cafe and all day people have been looking at me and cracking up. I hope it helps me sell some Dawg Snax. I don't want to complain about a cool event but those folks sure mixeled up my words (My words got mixed up with Pepto's, that sux cuz Peptos a big JERK).
They didn't mention the point of the article I wrote, that they wrote about what I wrote.
The idea of the article they were mentioning I wrote was, we helped cleaned up a neighborhood so good that we could no longer afford to live in it.
The Tribune just kind of said,"Look at the silly idiots with funny names and their so-called Clown house".
Did they skip my gentrification whine on purpose? NAAAAH! The media is 100% right and honest no matter how many times they are proven to be full of it. At least he said it was entertaining, thats the least I could hope for.
Today I made a deal to put the "Rubber Chicken collection of world history" painting set in a new night spot called Zaytoon. It's going up in November. The woman who writes the checks there seems to be a real fire cracker, I'll let ya know how those things progress as they happen.

Rock, Paper scissors, click to enlarge then zoom in

Activists can sometimes SUCK

I have been a political activist for many years. We used to have a show featuring many forms of political protest from The people locking themselves to things, to out right throwing bricks so we have seen our share of action in the field, A clown outfit is an easy target for a rabid, rubberbullet shooting psyco and we continued filming until the camera I had broke down from pepper spray and getting slammed around too much. To this day my footage has gotten quite a few innocent people literally out of handcuffs.
I can't help it that I like the trees and the little froggies and just can't stand the evil government and the corporations that own it.
A lot of the political stuff we do is so underground that people have no idea that a clown made it happen or helped out in a big way. I don't need the glory,but it is fun to mess with the "activists" who are so uptight and angry that they make me want to kiss them full on the mouth with lots of tongue after eating a handful of Cheetos and a cookie.
So anyone who takes themselves that seriously I find is begging to be messed with.
Look at this posting I did on indiemedia and the comments it got.
The Indiemedia is not to blame at all, I think it's a great network. It's just fun to mess with the hot heads.
P.S.
I saw someone dropped off a box of tools for the bike shop, thanks soooo much.

Of mice and dogs

It has come to my attention that with the season change, so change the tri-yearly migrations of the domestic mouse. We have had a surge of the little critters charging in now that it's getting cold.
Now lucky for us, we have a friend who gets the job done.
Banjalangadingdong Rodriguez (a.k.a. banjolina jolie, Talibanjo, fuzzy lizard, banjalina Rodriguez or just plain Banjo) is the dog who works the clown house beat here in Portland. She is always looking to protect us even though sometimes she is lazy and when someone knocks she just yells at them from the couch upstairs, most of the time she wants to be where the action is.
We got her as a pup, someone dropped her off and I right away I got rid of her. I didn't want my wife Caffeine Jones find out.
I didn't want another mouth to feed...I didn't like the mouths I had (kidding).
She did find out and told me to bring the dog back so she could "Take a look".
We ended up keeping the damn dog and that's who now is the "mouse hound" of the clown house.
She started out totally freaked out and afraid of men, traffic, small rodents and once her own fart.
In time we taught her some valuable tips about living life as a humans pet and her allergy to wheat is the inspiration for Dawg Snax (our company) we made the treats and they were so much like doggie crack to all dogs that I made it into a business.
I owe a lot to Banjalina, the dog treat biz allowed me to create my own uniform and I make half my living delivering treats on a tall bike.
In the beginning, the treats are what made her want to learn tricks. Her "Doggie Door" was a bunk bed ladder propped up against the window with a treat on top, so eventually, when she wanted to go in or out she had to climb, and it's amazing how a dog responds to gentle cigarette prodding.
She jumps through hoops, corrals other dogs and can find our kid anywhere in the house or yard.
I won't tell you her lexicon of command phrases because I don't need anyone (besides Caffo and I)telling her to do things, that ruins her training. Besides, if you don't do the command and reward in the correct order she has instructions to "Eat the Face girl!"
She is in the act now, doing the hoop jumping and clowning with me. She no longer fears her farts or rodents but she has a healthy respect for traffic, she got loose on her birthday last year and was struck by a GIANT SUV WITH ONLY 2 PEOPLE AND ZERO CARGO, (I hate cars so much) she had just eaten a Dawg Snax Birthday cake and was having the time of her life when she almost lost it. She is better now only sporting a crook in her tail to tell the tale.
Nowdays, I give the command "Earn yer livin" and point to a dark spot in a closet or recycling bin, she darts in like a garbage truck off a cliff and 1 out of 10 times comes out with a mouse. She has gotten 3 this week, Caffeine got one and Blair the clown caught one in a shoe.
The shoe mouse was taken way out to the west hills and let go to bother the rich, the rest became food for the toilet.
I wish we didn't have to kill them, they don't bother me at all. The best they can do is lower the property values and the worst is when they are found by stupid or lazy people then awful poisons are broken out and all living things die.
Banjo is available for rent on the whole mouse duty, she works cheap too, just get some Dawg Snax and Banjo and I will deliver them. She will catch a mouse, you feed her a snack and I'll take the rodent for deposit on a rich persons estate.

bike lane dudes

Look at this my friends.

I fixed the porn pipe

The computer I usually talk to you on sits in a cupboard under the stairs off, the living room of the clown house. We call it "The Porn Pipe." The other day, I noticed a clicking sound and a slight rattle. I would slap the side of the tower, and it would stop for ten seconds or so, and start again.
My house mate Lynn diagnosed the problem as being a dirty fan (I live for running into dirty fans) and told me that we would have to replace the fan and clean it out.
I don't know how to fix computers, but at the time I had no idea that I had no idea about fixing computers, so I decided to drag it up to my office, disassemble the computer and clean it...What could go wrong? I'm a frikkin geenius.
When I unscrewed and opened the first panel, a little stream of dirt poured out and began filling my boot like I'm some kind of Texican hour glass. I quickly took the rest apart and spread it out on the table. As I scrubbed the innards with dish soap and bleach, I joked, "Wouldn't that be soooooo frikkin funny if I got this back together and had parts left over?" That would never happen...I'm a jeenius, and now a computer technition.
It sure was a mess in there, friends. I swept out the dirt devils and picked out the dust bunny droppings, it was just as if the Porn Pipe lives on the floor near a BMX race track and a bunch of muddy clowns. But I cleared it all, and slapped the thing back together...I can do that, because I'm a jenius.
I took it to the hole, and plugged it all back in. When I threw the switch, it popped back on, flickered, sputtered and coughed a little, and then finally settled with a loud chirping noise.
Two days later, I was clearing off my desk, and what should I find? Handfuls of computer parts, spread out across my desk.
I am NOT the kind of fella that has disassembled computer parts all over my room! Tweakers, high on meth, have computer parts strewn all over. I'm a drug free genios.
I took the parts downstairs and crammed them into the hole I had to make in the back, because I stripped all the screws, and turned it on.
Well...I'm talking to you, so I must have done it right. The only problem is that I fixed it so well it now sounds like a refrigerator made in the 50s, trying to make ice in the middle of July with the door open.
I'm a genius.

Fall

Yes my friends, it's getting to be fall, the first tangs of cold have woken the leaves and reminded them it is time to die.
Leather weather, time to start doing inside shows and give the yard of the Clown House a break from heavy traffic. This year had seen the grass on the ground turn to dirt, mud, and now a fine dust that covers everything and makes each bike wreck look like the end of the world.

I'm exited about the winter, it sucks for most clowning and it's really bad if a super tall bike is your main form of transpo' but one thing makes it great. Remember when Portland Iced over and for a few weeks was another planet?
Well I took my trusty battle ax and a boat oar and made tens of dollars shoveling sidewalks, Nobody could move, bikes were grounded, cars couldn't move passed a crawl and even walking was a huge production. Nobody was moving any faster than the fastest banana slug...and then there was the clowns on spin cycles, see the spin cycle has three wheels and is made to spin out of (in) control. I was sailing faster than the frikkin snow trucks. So when you see me whizzing by, just think of how very clever I am, keeping warm with my own smugness.
So that will be fun...besides that, I'm pretty sure winter sucks.

Clown House allumini hits Jakarta

Hello All!

Franc here, Naya and I are in Indonesia. There are five thousand different kinds of crazy bikes here. Taxi bikes called becak which hold a passenger up front, bikes with huge trailers attached to the front forks, little old men on bikes piled high with every kind of colorful plastic imaginable so that the bike is no longer recognizable as a bike but some kind of bouncing plastic thing for sale. Bikes with a little traveling restaurant up front complete with propane stove and display rack. There are bikes with umbrellas attached, hanpdainted bikes in a million crazy colors, and bike components welded into a colorful array of ingenious design.

All of these bikes exist in a place which might be the least managable to bike in the world. Jakarta is hell for biking... there are way too many cars. That is an understatement. There are so many cars and motorcycles that the air is thick with pungent brown smoke that chokes the sun and every living thing on the ground. People wear masks on the street just to breathe. The car exhaust smells like a pungent propane, sweeter and more vile than the car exhaust back home. Traffic jams are a normal part of life. I have spent far too many hours bouncing along in Naya's mom's tiny car through the traffic jams that snake through the winding roads of this city. People pretty much make up the traffic laws and roads that are barely large enough for two cars fit sometimes three lanes of traffic fighting to go somewhere with a thousand motorcycles zipping in and out and a swarm of people managing to walk somewhere on the siding. And in all of this, people still bike.

Yesterday there was a bike parade. The largest street in Jakarta was closed off. We missed it.

The government controls the gas price here, and it was just doubled. A lot of people demonstrated and some speculate that the bombs in Bali were meant to coincide with the news for larger coverage. The bike parade and some articles in the paper offer some glimmer of hope that the gas prices might influence some people to stop driving and start biking.

Anyway. I hope you all are doing well. Let me know if the FREAKS dvd got there in one piece. I worked on it as much as possible in Wisconsin and I'd like to hear what y'all think of it. Say howdy to Danger and Miss Robin for me.

Naya sends her love, so do I,

Franc/Justin

I have endured all kinds of toil and hardship over many years...

Waiting for things to get this good...Well, they have, my friends. I've been writing stuff for the new show and it's FAN-frikkin-TASTIC! Some of the new stuff that's pouring out of the new and improved (sober-ish) Clown House is just amazing.
We have lots of gigs this month, I can't make Dawg Snax fast enough for the amount of people who want them, and there's a DVD just out with Clown Movies we made.
The house is just a happy place to live, right now a bunch of folks here watched a gory, sad ass movie about dogs getting hit by cars, and now it's over and they are all happy and laughing.
The lights in the kitchen are down, and the bills are up, with winter on it's way, but the mood and feel of this place makes it a great place to get your soul on.
Sometimes folks get 86ed, that's always so sad to do. People come hang out and work on stuff as a zen thing, and, as one nice fellow put it, "I got carried away and lost my zen."
It is a sort of personal autonomous zone, but if you get drunk and make things hard on the rest of the tribe (especially the kids and folks who have work in the morning), ya gotta get lost.
Today a gal broke in, rousted as many people as she could find, and took them to breakfast. That was great for them, but bad for the other folks that got woken up... and as they left, they forgot poor Banjo in the yard and locked her out of the house. The "authorities" take away unattended dogs that happen to be pit bulls. That was bad.
Booze and bills aside, I feel like this Clownarchist movement is poised to take over the world. And I'm up for the task. Today, a guy donated a bike that looks like it would be great to part out and re-build the tandem bike that was annonomusslly7y donated. I really want to give rides to blind people.
They also gave us a perfect automobile inner tube. I think we should find a way to pull it around in the mud with someone riding it. Looks like some metric tools are on the way, so now I'm looking for lights and a P.A. The wait is almost over, it's time to ROCK!

next post in 7 min.