A quick clue for cafe owners

# Strobe light in the window of an empty cafe= We-R-Desperate!.
#When the bums in your cafe outnumber the clients 3-1, no client will linger long ...or come back.
#Cool lesson I learned from the Muddy Waters Staff:
If a client stinks because they spend 14hours a day at the cafe and not taking care of themselves... Keep them off the couch!
Exclusive wood chairs for the permanently stinky humanoids LOL!
That's only until my shift stats.When it's my living being compromised the policy becomes more like "Expulsion by fire extinguisher".

I'm MC at a concert tonight at the Flipside 29th and Belmont

Click above to hear one of the bands.
"We are going to allow people to get up and jam with us during one of our sets. So, bring your instruments We will also have a drum circle. We are also going to be recording this show so we can post it for download. Come and make a joyful noise with us." B.S.C.

Big Stupid Circle

1/30/2010 9:00 PM at MUDDY WATERS
2908 SE. Belmont St, Portland, Oregon 97214
Cost: Free

I was brushing my teeth by candlelight..

...to treat myself to a cozy morning ritual. I desire to be really clean now days so I went to finish washing my mouth with a touch of peroxide. In the dim light I grabbed a familiar and yet incorrect bottle of liquid to splash in my pie hole... Isopropyl Alcohol dammit that means I only went three years alcohol free...and of course since I put it in my mouth I had to finish the est of the bottle.

"Irregardless"

Thank you so much people who say "Irregardless" when you mean "Regardless".I wait for people do that so a little parade of Pandas can march through my head singing "Retard-less". I also like when people want to say "Console"(like Center console)but instead say "Council" like "Yo My Lighter is in the council"

Some Draw My Girlfriend shots by Maggie H

I'm under Olive right now.

There is a concert at the Flipside and we are working the concession stand selling beer, popcorn and VooDoo doughnuts.Voodoo donated the doughnuts and all the door and doughnut dough is going to Haiti.
Olive is very thorough with her cleaning of the equipment and I'm under her counter telling you all about it. 29th&Belmont

Olive poses for Draw my Girlfriend

I had a great time with my kiddos.

They came over friday and spent the night. I just hugged them and loved them. They are only allowed to see me maybe four days a month so I no longer even try to teach them stuff like I used to. They miss me and you can tell they feel ripped off without Dad around.It seems that the ex is really cool when her BF isn't around but another person all together when he is there....that sucks.Till something changes I'm stuck having to deal with my sons hair being a different color everytime we see him. I'm hoping that a good man comes and sweeps her off her feet.
When my girl was here I took the time to tell her to evaluate who her friends are and to ask herself "Can I be Proud of this person?" when she chooses friends. They are really bright and I had a wonderful time taking them to work with me. Working with me entails setting up a movie screening, postering, stapling, shopping at the clown store and plenty of other groovy stuff. I liked reading to my son because Olive and my girl thought I sounded VERY funny for some reason.

Olive and I noticed our friend working hard.

As our friend M.H. passed the two of us in a hallway we looked at each other with knowing glances. We both took a shine to her at once and asked quickly asked her to join us on an adventure for the evening.Turns out she was happy to go with us.
First we had to drop off '"trouble" the chicken at ACME Cafe on Hawthorne BLVD.
We couldn't leave our big dumb bird with out getting our friend M.H. to photograph us shooting her with 40 new tampons!
We ditched the chicken, got some fish and had a wonderful time at the Clown Cave.







Our appreciation of each other came very easy and I feel very lucky to have spent quality time with such amazing company.
Like what we do? Here is our virtual tip jar

Some of my recent Facebook posts.

Don't waste good weed on joints! Roll the brick shwag into Doobies to share with friends. For treating #1 GRIND the GOOD stuff up, then wad a pintch into your nostril, and then carfully sniff a lit match......mmmmmmm smooth.

My GF discovered she likes erotica. I've never met a gal who had such interest before. it's an awkward thing to share. She picked up a dumpstered, VHS copy of"Jungle Vixens(1984)"and asked "Hows does this one end?" I just laughed...I v'e never seen more than the first 10 min. in the 15 years I have had it.

Olive Rootbeer suggested we offer up our bed for auction to help Muddy's collective. I looked at our bed... I thought..."who is gonna bid on a bed that looks like a crime victim?"Anyone need a mattress that is comfy as wet particle board and looks like a litter of Great Danes were born on it? it's the same bed from 199...8 when the Clown House was at Failing and Michigan ave.NE. It smells good AND bad.

Olive Rootbeer just extracted something gooey out of my skull with tweezers. I saved it in my little box of nasty treasures.

Damn! I gotte lead a bike parade in 30 mins, I'm still at the house because I gotta evacuate my bowels before such a trip. Nature is not on my schedule AAAAH! Pray for me that it all comes out alright ok?29th$belmont 28 mins

My coffee was beyond AWFUL this morning. I was crestfallen that my jave tasted like dumpsterjuice.After I woke up a little I was able to follow the trail of clues.. I set my coffee down at 39th st.to phone the bus,I chatted with citezenry, the bus came, i must have picked up the wrong cup. I looked under my lid to see ...a purple lipstick covered cigg butt floating. Now that I know what happened I can now go puke my eyes out.

My partner Olive Rootbeer isn't a smoker...of anything but she told me she once made a pipe out of cheese! She said her friends smoked out of it and in the end the cheese was SMOKED CHEESE and they ate it. That sounds like BULL PUCKEY to this clown...wouldn't you need quite a bit of smoke and time to cure cheese?

I met an ex-con on the bus who gave me a great reason why not to drink cow's milk. The place he was at often sent work crews to local dairys. Lets do the math...convicts who hardly ever get laid spending hours around milking machienes? I don't want that milk in my face!

I was just crossing the street when I spied over the cars a blind woman crossing in the opposite corner. Save for the white stick with red tip she was dressed the same color as the grey wet road. Big roofing trucks were turning in her lane! I didn't know what to do so I yelled "Marco" she didn't yell polo...(sobbing)she didn't yell poloooo.

Classic ironic problem: Must clown to get money to have rotten tooth pulled but how do you clown very well when you need your rotten tooth pulled? I ended up getting my tooth pulled in the morning and eating a lightbulb that night working for a cabaret.

Mallory Malody

Just got back from doing auctioneer duty at Muddy Waters, I loved it, I think I'm a natural!I don't know how how much dough we raised but it was a lot more than I thought we would get.
My fave act tonight was Endi and my fave food was the boiled potatoes wrapped in foil and waiting for our cannon.
I sold 9 people as dates ranging from beer drinking hang outs to full scale forestry training. I would start the bidding at around $5 depending on what the person being sold agrees is the going rate for the time spent and move up in price.
Auctioneering is exciting let me tell ya!
It was a blast and we got to see Olive Rootbeer's family too. It was really good to see people who represent family because I haven't seen my kids in a long time.
Lots of people turned out all weekend and many bands offered music.
One cool thing about Muddy's is that you can get a shift working there and make some dough. You can learn barisa and bar tending!
The only parts I would change would be the treatment of the band Riot Cop. Riot Cop is one of the coolest bands in town and tonight they set up just to get shut down because of noise. Someone booked Riot Cop to start playing at 9:45 WTF?
The other part of the night I would change is that Olive and I were s'posed to be auctioned off tonight too but it never happened. To be honest Olive and I were only interested in being bought by one person. Somehow during the hubbub we missed out on connecting with her.
We really want to take her....painting.

A cool thing about holding art events is that they tend to make it's own promotionals

Thanks Steve!

Weeeee! Get yer art on!

best bug eating contest moments of 2009

For $1.39 at a little Asian store I know of in SE PDX I found canned Silkworm Pupa.
perfect for a bug eating contest at Muddy Waters.
The place smelled of aquariums but I never even saw a single fishbowl.
Here are a few memorable moments from 2009.
Thank you brave athletes!










Standing on the hands bug eating (Justin Lips VS Quinton Galaxia)



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Sideshow Speakeasy is done after 28 frikkin shows!

My Partner Olive Rootbeer is trying to get the audience to yell clues to the man that he has a clown sticking a ketchup bottle in his butt cheeks.

The guy who took this pic is shy about it's content so I won't say his/her name.
Sideshow was amazing for me in that I had 6 or so similar acts that needed to also change but still fit the stage. This show made me work hard and that's power.
I couldn't have had a better ring leader than W.Batty...that guy could make Idi Amin look like gold.
Now that that door closed quite a few are opening so look out for the gang all over Bean Town.