PPE life.

  We live with big burly dogs. Thankfully they aren't the kind that jump on you and want to be your best friend. They are more the type that stare at you passive aggressively until you show them your ID even though they know we live here. I love having the security but I was also apprehensive walking into their realm with my PPE on. I expected them to take issue with me. They never have. They always know exactly who I am. It really speaks to the olfactory senses of dogs. They can't be fooled because they know me by smell. I know their names by sight but I'm guessing they mostly know me (and named me) based on smell. My PPE seems to make them laugh at me. "Hey check out the muzzle on Coffeeweedsexbacon, I wonder who he bit."

Mail out!

  Doug ,Heather and Sue your masks and art are on the way! Check out Doug's masks with the heavy duty strap situation. Great job Olive! I love that Heather's masks are very chic looking and Sue is getting Olive's famous "stand hugging rubber chickens." We discovered that we need to do more clown gigs. Losing our edge. dig this, before hitting up the post office we did a singing balloon delivery for a charming couple so we are in clown drag. At the Post station I put my PPE on and went in. As Olive waited outside and older gentlemen gave her grief. "It's not Halloween any more you don't need to be wearing all that shit" It really bummed Olive out. Normally we get waves of joy when we interact with the public with about 10% of people randomly hurling abusive language at us. We have been out of that loop so long it's gonna take some time to re scotch-guard our duck backs. I wish he had chosen me. I'm always looking forward to people giving me an excuse to try out new lines. comebacks and pranks. I'm a forever set trap but unfortunately they typically attack Olive before me. She is over it. So the packages are in the mail and if anyone needs tracking numbers please drop me a line. :) Thanks to all for supporting the clowns!

The Keep of the Gold Swan

 Hey there. Dingo here. I'm happy to present to you this first Rubber chicken rpg painting module The Keep of the Gold Swan. 

I put details for the DM below.

I was vague about combat dice mechanics, npcs and characters. That's your job. I made this to work with any theme so the scene can be set in modern times, apocalyptical or the typical medieval type scenario. 

You choose the weapons, armor and fashion. 

I also didn't include secret passageways and one way doors. If you want I can show you where I think those should be.

 Illustrate walls to the payers using dominos on the table and token beads to represent where players and npcs are.  Each domino/square represents 5 feet. In this way the players can make maps on graph paper as they go along. Mapping works easy enough until they reach room 7. the spin room.

Upon entering the front door (bottom left corner) wind from the breeze of the open door acind chimes that in turn summon the Mccullum Bats. They can only be killed by fire. Hitting them with bladed weapons cause them to multiply. 

#1. Start. Spiral stairs lead down to a 15' x 15" room dimly lit with the sound of dripping. To the east are two large locked doors with a sign in common tongue "Great Hall" to the north a thin unlocked door labeled "Small Hall."
#2 Small Hall Oubliette. Unlocked door to 60' hallway starting with dry floors that get progressively damper. In this hall is the roving oubliette. Every turn roll 2d6 to determine what square disappears. It can be a simple hole that appears or a character killing empty void. Characters have to roll speed to avoid falling in the hole. It's a hole that sneaks up on you but the locals call it "The Drain" The door of the north end of the hall is an unlocked swinging door.

#3. Great Hall. %50 there is someone standing there and %100 chance they will attempt to sound the alarm. This is a low power character that makes a lot of noise. Because he is so loud there is a low chance of anyone hearing him though.

#4 Door to the spin room. Very high level players will note the mystic writing claiming "This is definitely not a spinning room" it is though.

#5. unlocked doors say "Captain's desk" in common language. Captain looks up at the party and asks "Who the hell are you?" before summoning his troops to engage the invaders. The paperwork on the desk talks about two rooms that have an equal chance of helping or hindering (rooms 15 and 17). 

#6. barracks: 6 soldiers and a pile of weapons in the west corner.

#7. spin room: painting of pizza on the floor. When the doors close players get the sensation of movement. roll 1d6 to determine how many quarter turns the room makes before the doors open.

#8. Jailers. who are not impressed with strangers. They attack. Players shaking down the jailers may note that they have  two distinctive keys. One works on the cell and the other key goes to the cell in room #10.

#9. Jail cell %50 occupied by loud drunk has clue that the golem can be tricked by wearing a soldiers uniform. He doesn't mention that a soldiers uniform is different than a jailer outfit.

#10.Malchute, giant tentacled beast. Its in a demolished jail cell surrounded by the remains of prisoners and jailers it devoured. Their bones and armor are licked clean

#11. The tank/undead cistern. This room fills with water. Anyone surviving the deluge from opening room #11 will have to deal with a pack of skeletal warriors who attack on sight with antique weapons.

#12. Purple room of mirrors that won't reflect impressions of lawful good or lawful evil players. Door to the west has sign in many languages stating "room 2 drain" the east door reads ""room 11 culvert" opening the locked door results in a deluge of chest high water that sweeps the party into room #2 again. They must roll to avoid that fate. If the rm.#2 oubliette happens to be in any of the last 3 squares that's the end for those players if they don't roll dexterity.

#13. Fire stokers. npcs stoking the fire of room 25. There is no access between #13 and #25. If the party attacks the stokers there is a secret pass that they can easily escape.

#14. Dancing lights/Pixi chorus line/relentless foe. The room is suddenly full of music, lights and dancing fairies. They are an illusion created by a slug like creature hiding behind a curtain on the east side of the room. Players can walk right through the illusion but the creature only needs them to get to the middle of the room to attack. It only attacks one party member as it needs a warm body to lay it's eggs in. If it manages to get any eggs in a character it will follow that character until it is killed. It's slow but has a very high armor class.

#15. Truth or lie. The room is full of portraits that all speak at once. They have an equal chance to lie or help the party. 

#16. Golem. Large mechanical guardian. ignores soldiers but identifies and attacks strangers. This guy should be the toughest foe characters have to deal with.

#17. Treasure or curse. This room contains a wicker basket that has an equal chance of containing a partial map of room #20 or a giant brass cobra that loudly emits the Brown note" a sound with a frequency that forces humanoids to immediately evacuate their bowels. players then must roll a save Save vs. shitting their tunics.

#18. Yoga room containing the Chancellor's mushroom cult. The cultists see everything and everyone as beautiful vibration and provide no useful information.

#19. Volcanic furnace containing Fire elemental that will attack anyone including the Chancellor. It can only really be controlled /mitigated by the woman in room#24.

#20. Chancellor's chambers. Smells of pizza. Chancellor screams "Who the hell are you?" This boss is weak. He uses every opportunity to get away. If he can get to room #18 he will trip a lever that fills room#20 with toxic volcanic gas and burning lava. The longer the party lingers in room #25 the greater chance of running into the fire elemental. On the west wall is a pizza in an oven. The gold Swan is kept under a fake fire within.

#21. Waterwheel chamber. Powers the spinning room with steam pipes and hydraulics. A pipe empties used water into room #11. w.w.Chamber is full of bats and at least one vampire goat. On top of the waterwheel is a net that can't be seen from the ground. It is attached to an octagon shaped hole in the roof 60 ft. up. It leads to the outside. 

#22. Kitchen. A worker is doing dishes and asks the party "Who the hell are you?" then smiles "Did the other person tell you there is a spinning room?"

#23. hall (smells like weed)

#24. Bookish human woman behind a desk of scrolls looks up and smiles. "Who the hell are you?" Then suddenly understands and asks "Did the other person tell you there is a spinning room?" She is a high powered wizard just renting the room. She can't be killed or forced to do anything and her help will come with a high price since she is very busy. Gold is useless but candy is a great bribe.

#25. pizza oven. Half the fire is raging while the other half is an illusion. A mirror image of the other fire. Below the phantom fire is where the gold swan is kept. The Gold Swan is a rubber Chicken named "Macguffin."

possible missions:

Kill the king/steal the gold swan.

Rescue someone from the jail.

Map/destroy the waterwheel chamber

https://oliveanddingo.wordpress.com/donation-station/

noises

 Neighborhood sounds. I have known some unique sounds of silence in Portland lately. The silence between booms of pitched battles downtown, the silence of city blocks locked down for Covid 19, the silence of our streets choked by forest fire smoke. I also clocked the loudness of civil rights struggles, people cheering the medical personnel every day at 7 and of course I have fond memories of how loud our area usually is during times of prosperity. I love the silence and the loudness. I love being a citizen of this city in these times. I eventually loved the loudness I woke to today. Waves of cheering, pots and pans clanging and loud celebrations from the porches. I was pretzeled in with my honey as usual. I didn't know what the ruckus was about. I was actually forming the words to strongly question why my wife was listening to Chinese New Year vids on her phone. Turns out it was our lovely neighbors celebrating the end of the worst leader in our lifetimes. The sounds of cheering echoing through the eddies and shapes of the city blocks made it sound like the whole town was celebrating. Truly an interesting sonic experience. We are pretty happy too. Not for the establishment Dems. They barely won because they really don't represent neighborhoods and families. They won by not being Trump. It's like replacing a despot with a corrupt home owners association. What we are happy for is the beginning of the end of the Covid crisis. Establishment dems are beholden to big biz but thankfully they aren't allergic to science. We all got to see how the Troglodyte prez handled Covid, now we can see some meaningful responses that respect medical and scientific opinions. I'm glad everyone showed what they were really about. Now we need to find a way to educate our people. A large percent of Americans still think what Trump did and represented was just fine. Over the centuries there were tyrants, raiders, the boat people (Vikings) hordes and huns. After the maelstrom the people return to the villages and then the struggles really start, They have to get along with tribesmen who supported the toxic element. There is always finger pointing about who fled and who stayed. I hope we can get passed this and maybe smarten everyone up a bit. Civics are all we got. We need the Earth but the Earth doesn't need us. I hope folks get it together before our species gets evicted. Till then I'm enjoying a cuddle puddle and smiling at the sounds of my cheering neighbors.

Olive paints portraits of people's kids and pets.

I'm watching her do drawings and compile ideas. I noticed she is way "safer" than when she joins me for a rubber chicken painting. We can go crazy on chiggin paintings because if nobody buys them we just paint them over. The pressure is much greater when someone asks for specific art. She's painting a portrait of two cats and a dog. It looks like a portrait. Makes sense that they be in dignified positions because paintings often last longer than dogs and cats. I said she should dress the dog in 40's detective garb, put him in a vintage train depot with the two cats in the train reading newspapers. Haha! Maybe i will mak my own version on an etch a sketch. She already prepped her canvas with a color swatch. She is starting with matching the canvas to the room it's going into. I never think of stuff like that. I'm more of a spaghetti at the wall man. :)