10 years of baby raising then two years of baby sharing...

And now 10 months of baby mama no sharing.I must be a real monster. The 25 people who actually know me and see me every day seem to disagree. I'm still up every morning around 8am waking to nightmares about my kids.I feel like they are thinking about me and waking me up. My kids miss me dearly...because I'm a loving father who has never had a serious problem and always pay child support. It's cold and without knowing that they are warm is torture. I need to know that they are not sleeping on blankets piled up near an electrical outlets. I need to know my daughter isn't sleeping alone on a floor of the house across from a random craigslist room mate. I need to love them and give them my smell and language. Keeping them from me is a really rotten thing to do to my children as well. I feel them calling me and crying out to me.
Why? She gives different reasons to whomever she pleases. She told my Mom I'm a drug dealer, she told me I was a lair and I drive without license or insurance, she told the internet that I shot my kid with a stage cannon and when Olive called begging to see the babies the Ex seemed to have a problem with Olive's age. What a bunch of bitter cockamaime trumped up B.S.
Before I noticed that she got meaner and meaner..more demanding and hypocritical with each visit. I eventually had the sense to tell Olive not to mention any of our happiness or success. I noticed the direction of the malice too late. The Ex lied to me about the kids whereabouts for a month and then sent a nastygram. Thats an awful way to teach kids how to deal with things. That's the most selfish path possible.
I have a pile of Christmas gifts from the family and community they were taken from. I hear they got the gifts from Texas but the EX kept the Christmas money without telling them (Real classy C.J.)Now we are paying her to keep them from me. I'm really afraid that maybe she won't let them see me because she lied to them so much she doesn't want them to know the truth. Luckily they totally know the truth.
This is the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. It was so rude and abrupt I can't help but think it was a present for someone else. I was a good man to her, I didn't go out, loved her and protected her...i regret putting her first for so many years. Somehow I got all the blame for what went wrong.
See the thing is I'm around kids a lot. I have to make sure not to let any little hands come into contact with mine because when I feel them I start crying.
That's bad at work because I'm a happy clown.
Crazy thing is latley I have been working building maintenance and Olive works in the burbs doing tableside balloon art. I only clown for nightclub gigs, plays and tv stuff.
I'm fortunate enough to be lovable and well liked by my community...and the larger community too. The other day a nice lady stopped in traffic and called us off our tall bikes just so she could hug the stuffing's out of us. It was her birthday and she came from Washington to Portland and had just bought one of our coloring books from a book store. People love us and thank us for making them happy quite a bit. We can put on a good show Olive and I.
It's surreal when we have a big crowd and they are laughing hard at our clown antics. In my head as I see them having a good time it's in slow motion and I'm just fascinated that I can make them laugh while inside I'm hurting so bad without my kids I just want to crawl into a corner.