Three got printed, not bad..

OK. Here's the Dingo Dizmal unadulterated Top Ten Improvements for the great city of Portland.
This is off the top of my head so the spelling may be bad, but at least the ideas are worse.

#1. Move Dignity Village to the West hills, re-name it “Diggity Village”.
#2. Less concrete, more dirt, no grass. Grass is a useless crop, paving is hot and bad for the planet, if you need a green yard, then paint the dirt.
#3. Make the tops of water towers wheelchair accessible so gimps can drunkenly tag towers like the rest of us. FREEDOM!
#4. Reduce the Mississippi neighborhood buildings to one story adobe structures (that should piss them off, buncha jerks).
#5. All Portland cops should at least have the opportunity to try pot, they look silly wearing rubber gloves while confiscating your stash. It's not crank fellas.
#6. People who spend all the time and money to climb Mt. Hood and then get stuck (I call them “Cravassholes” ) should be left to their fate, it's the only deadly activity that is more avoidable than smoking.
#7. Re-name SW 23d street “Jihad ave.” Rename NE Alberta street “Wallmart”.
#8. All city mens' rooms should have separate circumcised/non circusized sections so people stop staring at me like I'm some gimp on a water tower.
#9. Local restraining orders should be served by gang bangers. They need real jobs, and I think they could make the point clear. In cases where Gangsters need restraining, they should be served by the elderly.
#10. Next to Pioneer square, build “The Museum of People in Beaverton Who Manage to Get Hit By Max trains” (what's wrong with them?) It's not like it quietly creeps up, the thing is huge and loud...just like me.

More:
Ice cream trucks in Portland should have rotating songs, or at least be required to give tests of the emergency broadcasting system.
Bars that have pianos for the customers to play with must enforce a two hands, melody and harmony rule. Any plinking or two fingered garbage playing, it just leads to violence.
Have kids paint all the curb extensions on Portland's streets. It will disperse heat better, have more traction when wet, and it may be the closest thing to schooling the kids can afford.
Create a roving comity to establish what graffiti is really good art and what is self-aggrandizing bull poo.
Snow plow demolition derby in the summer to help pay for schools.

I have been all over this country and Portland is the one city that has kept me here for almost 10 years, I beam with civic pride.