Saturday, December 28, 2013

We were just house and dog sitting and it inspired me to write a poem.

Jill stares at you. Stares a few moments then "BAWWWKRK".
Jill is still hitting up her stainless steel mixing bowl. (BANG-Clank bump!)

Jill is a bulldog two years young, strong as a bowlin' ball and ever so dumb.
The dumb part doesn't hinder, how she get's her kicks,
voraciously eating kibble,
voraciously pooping on the bricks.
Jill is a snorting train wreck!
She likes the ball she likes her bowl.
She likes patrolling her lair.
But how she acts to the other dog
Can only be called unfair.

Dusty is a gentle heart and peaceful mellow soul.
He looks around with concern as Jill attacks the bowl.
He looks at me with sad eyes when Jill humps away at him.
Humpty dumpty is givin Dusty the hard sell again,

Jill sexually assaulting her friend is really messed up!
I tripped over myself just trying to break it up!

"Yo dawg! That's not cool!
Not cool at any time!"
Not only is it "frowned upon"
I'm pretty sure it's a crime!

10 min after I broke it up she was back to her humpy trick.
I needed to find an end to this and find an end real quick!

"Knock it off woman, this is craziness!"
I didn't recognize my own words.
I usually don't like to raise my voice in such an angry way,
With swearing and canine slurs.

When she points her beady eyes at me,
All i see is catastrophe JILL!

Black eyes brindle butt, jacked up grill like a piranha.
Big white head,all kinds of inbred, This mug could scare her own Mama.
She is shorter than a wine bottle but just as wide at the chest.
The dog is fast as lightning and never seems to rest,

Jill is a tiny behemoth who makes me scold her like a one dog riot!

As I sit here she is going to town, beating up this mixing bowl.
It's her second favorite thing after humping a pit bull,
For hours now, it's all about, flinging it in the air
then shoving the down turned bowl across the floor wedging it under the chair.

Her hideous snout, it slams into a corner .
Then she lunges up attacking her toy
flinging ropes of spit in all directions.
grossing out my little boy, (BANG-Clank bump!)

Jill is a beast! A stinky, rude, calamity, (BANG!)
You can tell when she is around because I'm using profanity,
She is human nature's cruel mistake.
She ate the frosting, she ate the cake,

So why can't I stop smiling while looking at this thing?
What's wrong with me? Am I insane?
Is it her thousand mile an hour wagging tail that looks like a chimp penis?
Or the way she always wants to get between us?
Did i mention yeast builds up in the eye folds of this dog,
I had to clean it out with a surgical swab,
In our world I think all creatures fit,
But this one needs surgery to be born and comes with it's own haz-mat kit.
I gotta love that she outsmarted me though.
I thought I would be clever and put out the bowl,
Outside she shall play,so we could get some peace.
She didn't want to go but I begged her please!.

She ran outside, and caught her bowl, thrashing left and right,
Sending shrapnel of dog shit everywhere, into the freezing night,
Then she ran inside like she owns the place, into her warm house,
I was stuck cleaning dog poop (Some even got in my mouth)
She had caught me unaware, now she laughs at me from the top of the stairs.
Around this dog, it never stops, it's never gonna be quiet,
Jill is a tiny behemoth who makes me scold her like a one dog riot!
Jill threw up jelly, Jill was a strain,
But I guess I would totally dog sit, Jill-zilla again.


schedule, tip jar, here

Thursday, December 26, 2013

OK Kids, this one's called "Anubis and the Three Pharaohs!"

Once upon a predynastic period, along the Nile river lived three porcine pharaohs. The first piggy king built his hut of imported straw..Then for some reason (fleas) most everyone was stricken with plague. The middle dynasty king built his house of sticks but was crushed to death when the wooden pillars couldn't support the stone roof. The New Kingdom pig built a pyramid of sandstone but was still stopped before entering the afterlife by Anubis because of a clerical error (during a series of earthquakes someone misspelled his name several times while performing the most hasty embalming process).
 Now the three Pharaohs names shan't be spoken lest the speakers soul be immediately blown by Anubis through the lotus blossom into the deep, dark, dusty vacuum of the abyss. HAHAHA! The end. For a decidedly less awful telling of the classic 3 pigs story please download our 3 little pigs song for under a buck!~

Friday, December 20, 2013

cluckwork Orange

College age vs. stone age.

  • One day I got to see an interesting clash of cultures at Pioneer square. 4 ladies who looked and sounded North African, who were fairly tarped to look like pop-cycles were watching 4 college girls sitting on the ground stretching before a running event. The runners were wearing sneakers, tiny shorts and tiny half-shirts. Both groups were silent but looking at the other like they were out of their minds.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Can we close Christmas? Maybe skip a year?

 Every year when it comes around, I can't help but wonder "Again?  Didn't we just have a feeding frenzy of retail therapy?"
Word association:
First thing that comes to mind are the words
"Pink plastic, landfill, diabetes, jet fuel, China"
China gets the biggest Christmas present in all those manufacturing accounts.
I'm not trying to be a hater.
 Love and gathering is great, it's just the consumerism attachment and the horrible science/history that bum me out. Christmas beats the planet up. It doesn't make sense to melt our ice burg over stories that in this modern space age can be so easily dis proven or revealed to be appropriated from other religions. I can't enjoy a novel if I know the last chapter. I also don't see why it's worth the mess, pollution and hassle.
I do see the value in religion (outside of community gathering, getting kids married off, having funerals) another value I noticed is fear. There are a lot of damaged, ticking time bomb, mental rocket-sled, knuckle dragging apes out there that need fear of an invisible Dad to keep them from living full time in the reptile-mind mode. It can backfire, like in the case of the American Taliban style, anti-intilectual, gun toting, bible zealot idiots.

Our kind of critter needs to be really smart right now. Christmas dumbs everyone down.
We deserve better than that.
The memory I have of Christmas is mostly associated with the pre-teen years, as a kid.,
Back when all the tall tales they have been telling you fall out of the diaper.
No Tooth Fairy, no Jesus, No Santa, etc.
Also add the realization that not all adults are beneficial beings and our species as a whole is fully capable of killing itself in an ignorant blase of glory.
When I was in kindergarten I was led to believe the slaves lived in low wage working, singing bliss, smoking was good for you and Jimmy Carter was not. I was also given the impression that Native Americans donated their land so they could become hilarious cartoons. It was a rough curve to throw a bright kid.
After working out where i was in the space and time continuum, then I realized that the adults in my life actually did believe in one of the fairy tales...Jesus.
 That's a terrifying thing for a hyper active pubescent. I was clever enough to know the adults were using bad science but too dumb to know why.
It's like everyone in charge is agreeing on the same hallucination. A side effect is that I became a huge fan of the characters that did exist The Romans! I always rooted for the Romans in the bible stories.
I acted out a lot (and why shouldn't I, they had just introduced me to hating my penis).
 I even got demoted in Catholic Sunday school from 5th to 2nd grade for questioning the alluding of incest in that Genesis story and the laughable, implausible Noah's ark tale.
 I'm of the space age generation so by 4th grade I had a rudimentary knowledge of history and biology, none of it match the bible stuff.
Since then I gave myself some "immersion therapy" by joining lots of religions and giving them a try. I have been with Asian ladies chanting, Hare Krishna, I was a Pentecostal christian band leader, studied with Hebrew scholars and Far Eastern clerics, I even had a stint as a demonic prick.
None of it had anywhere near the ring of truth that science has. Science is correct no matter where you are. It's because it's much easier to believe something than to understand something. I see superstition in the space age to be a lazy trait. Time to upgrade the mythology.
I LOVE the friends and family part of the holidays...and the rituals too. I just think we should skip Christmas sometime and maybe re-boot the whole system. We update our software every darn day, why not the prejudiced, boring, taxing and outdated rituals? Kick off the new year with some cool stuff. Maybe the new holiday can be tricked out to include all faiths, and not be so Gift oriented. Gifts can be amazing when they are random and or needed but when it's an obligation then that can really suck...especially if you aren't religious. The Christian bible has been updated about 8 times, each time more "crazy" gets taken out. Maybe we should update Christmas. Take out the Bedouin camp legends, the Jewish apocalypse cult thing and the re-hash of the iron age comic book stories. Replace them with the Star Wars morality scale...Hobbits work too. If you want to know a lot about your religion, ask an atheist, we statistically know more than folks who have something to lose by learning too much. Do you know a big part of why we don't have all 8 of the ancient wonders of the world? Religion. Religion is an outdated meme that is just another thing turning us against science, each other and even our own bodies and body functions. I must look like a real douche-nozzle. It's cool, I know it looks bad.
I been all over this country and seen all kinds of things. I can "dial in" a situation at a glance and know what I'm looking at. Those skills are good for comedy but they are also good for seeing behind curtains and detecting carnival games. I don't want us to go out like suckers. I can't think of Thanksgiving without also seeing millions of flushes, millions of factory farmed birds, and of course the historic genocide the day covers up. I can't hear a car start up without also seeing it as one more drop of ink in the tub. The first drop wasn't noticeable but now our kind of ape dumps hundreds of drops in our fragile tub. When i hear the words "Holiday travel" it conjours an image of an inky tub...or the planet Mercury. Mercury sports the end result of global warming. I can't think of Christmas without thinking of who gets the biggest Christmas present: China and religion (YAY!) Christmas means lots of pink plastic, batteries, landfills, planned obsolescence and of course the fuel pollution and slave labor required to get all that stuff here. Christmas is a huge present for China. I get a pretty good shake in life. Random little old ladies and children run in my direction for hugs on a regular basis. I can't be doing too bad. Lots and lots of hugs in my life and I'm surrounded by really sharp people. I'm just irritated at this time of year because in my 44 years I know too much to enjoy the holidays. This is cool. I love this guy.
I had $5 and some time to kill so I thought I would blow it on some vid poker. Randomly, the only others in the place were some middle aged Native American folks and an elderly couple who looked and sounded South East Asian. The "piped in" music, was an old school Christmas song "Do you see what I see?". It's a sharp track with a cool history no lie (look it up). As the song crooned, I noticed that all of us had a pins and needles expression. It's not from losing a couple bucks, it's because if you aren't from the song's culture and background, it has different meaning. "Do you hear what I hear?" ... as soon as we all noticed each others expressions we all burst out laughing. "That's some scary shit man" one of them giggled. When i told Olive, she was mortified "I love that song", sorry hon, what we see and hear in that song is genocide. It's that same seasonal dread that I always have around this time. I'm not depressed I just haven't related to the holiday since childhood. I wish we could be gathering for a more practical reason. Maybe we can get together to take on the environmental catastrophe or maybe get everyone to see the doctor?

Sunday, December 15, 2013

When I met Rich Mackin back in the 90's we had similar things going on.

He was the Boston punkrock/active clown and I was a Portland one. We were pen pals a little back when "E mail" meant "E rase the postmark to use the stamp again".When Mackin asked us to do some songs for this charity event, we were stoked. "Nuttin fer Crixmix is the last Pepto Dizmal song. It has great meaning and so I hooked Olive up with a copy of the old tune to memorize.She did a fine job. I kind of thought that it was a form of satire or anti-Christmas gathering. Kind of like a way to have the fun holiday without the religion and consumerist feeding frenzy. We aren't crazy about a lot of the Christmas rituals so our songs reflected that. Christmas means lots of pink plastic, batteries, landfills, planned obsolescence and of course the fuel pollution and slave labor required to get all that stuff here. Christmas is a huge present for China. So I was shocked when it started looking like a real live Christmas event. We aren't total Grinches, we wanna make our crowd happy. I started to worry that our stuff wasn't going to go over very well. After seeing Rich Makin telling us about Santa con and Jay Lieber's really cool presentation (As well as Mr Krampus walking around) it became clear that we would be ok.
 I just hoped we wouldn't offend the little kids and Sugar plum fairies. They were great!

 Pouring over the sweetest Santa Suit we ever saw.

To any family units that thought Olive and Dingo on the bill meant we would be doing "Jingle bells", sorry for all those F words. When you entertain a room full of drunkerdly Santas, then there is a problem if you don't crack a few off the naughty list.

 Melian A. Sonnenburg one of the first folks I met in town.

Jay Rules.:) I love that guy.
What event is complete without a Jew in a Chicken suit? Great job Ari!!!!

That was great! Rock on Santa

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Olive found out that makeup doesn't have the same restrictions that food has.

 The skin drinks slower than the mouth but it still drinks. We want to laugh and love a long time so when she found out most makeup has unacceptable ingredients she decided to make us some non chemical cocktail stuff all by her damn self. Thanks for lookin out for us Olive.

Silver Models our Bobby Madness shirt.

 The roving reporter Silver Gardner modeling our Bobby Madness shirt in Sloan Nevada Las Vegas and Twin Falls Idaho. Can't wait for the next dispatch from our lovely kitsune! Get the shirt here 
Silver Gardner (or as we call her Kitsune)

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Snow's back.

The good, is that it quiets the town down, brightens us up, looks pretty and helps insulate our drafty cave. The bad, is that people don't know how to drive in it so they dump tons of salt on the road that wrecks your shoes. The ugly, is slipping on ice driving a tall bike (we will be doing a lot of bus riding),The beautiful is the romance, holding hands under a sky that looks like an oil painting, being cozy under blankets, watching traffic jams from a warm cafe. If we lived in a house i would have already unplugged the fridge and put all the food in a box in the yard. Have fun, be safe Friends!

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