Monday, October 29, 2018

I got a flurry of friend requests from half naked, gorgeous women

They are all sporting provocative profile pics. It's funny noticing their friend lists have almost all lonely looking gullible guys and other sexy robots.
As I was congratulating myself on my scambusting i began to notice something about a few of them.
Some robots have more than a few photos and they have FBfeeds with more than "Thanks for the add" posts. Hmmm.
Some of these "robots" managed to have pics of themselves taken with my actual friends and in places I actually go.
How did they do that? I guess all the scams made it difficult for a legit sexy person to send a legit clown a legit Friend request.

Hope ya got some laughs from this blog
Like what we do?
We live out of a tip jar (sometimes chicken sometimes feathers) if you are in a place to keep our sunny side up and rubber side down then feel free to drop off a donation at our website.
Thanks! It's a great town to be a clown.

for science!

I live in a place that rents out rooms. A guest noticed me removing the full wastebasket from a recently vacated room. "I didn't know you work here." me: "I don't." "then what are you doing?" me:"archaeology." I was actually just helping out but I like answering questions in ways that create more questions.
You rock Radio cab. 
We had a German newsreader staying with us. 
She managed to befriend Olive and asked her to help arrange a 4 am cab to the airport. 
She gave Olive all the deets in broken English and Olive made the call. 
Radio cab was so nice to Olive.
 I could hear the radio cab lady telling Olive "4am is only a few hours so get some sleep ok?" Olive said she would and she did. 
Thanks Radio cab.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

I live in a place that rents out rooms.

A guest noticed me removing the full wastebasket from a recently vacated room. "I didn't know you work here." me: "I don't." "then what are you doing?" me:"archaeology." I was actually just helping out but I like answering questions in ways that create more questions.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Most of the folks who see us on the road either give us cheers or indifference.

Most of the folks who see us on the road either give us cheers or indifference. I like both responses. When a lot of people cheer us on it's a "tell" to me that according to the numbers, some haters are due. 
Some folk have immediate angry reactions to seeing us. They call me names, try to pick fights or shock me into falling over by honking. 
One guy cussed me out real good while stopped at a light. I have no idea what he was saying since the windows were up and I was on the sidewalk. 
This last gem was very telling. I guy saw me and yelled "You stupid Mother F****r, you won't last a week on that bike. Get down before you kill someone!". 

I been riding the Behemoth since somewhere around the time of Hurricane Katrina. I'm proud to report there have zero fatalities.  
I fell over the handlebars once when the trailer I was carrying wedged between two poles. 
Another time, I fell off (into rose bushes) because I was laughing at a dog and the only other wreck was more of a bike involved masturbation accident (I will tall ya more if I ever get to know you better) than anything else. 
So no real injuries at all in all these years. Thanks for checking in Angry man.
There is this one man on Hawthorne who tries to attack me every time he sees me. He yells and screams. He rides his long board erratically while calling me names. He tries to get real close to me in my blind spot. Olive was getting pretty steamed at this puke the other day. I just smile. She yells at him to get away, he ignores her. I keep hoping he comes in closer. I leave my backdoor open as a trap. I know a little secret that Olive also knows (maybe why she wants him to shove off so bad). Y'see, if I can let the dude get a few licks on me then it's my turn. I can get off my bike, put it out of the way and smash this clod with great speed and ferocity. The guy seems to think I'm a total teetering candyass. lol I hope he doesn't try to throw down with me because I don't want to upset my wife by crushing this Dingleberry

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

poem for open mic jill

Like Pomes? This a a powem I writ called Jill. Feel free to posit this saga at your local open mic.

Jill stares at you. Stares a few moments then "BAWWWKRK".
Jill is still hitting up her stainless steel mixing bowl. (BANG-Clank bump!)
Jill is a bulldog two years young, strong as a bowlin' ball and ever so dumb.
The dumb part doesn't hinder, how she get's her kicks,
voraciously eating kibble,
voraciously pooping on the bricks.
Jill is a snorting train wreck!
She likes the ball she likes her bowl.
She likes patrolling her lair.
But how she acts to the other dog
Can only be called unfair.
Dusty is a gentle heart and peaceful mellow soul.
He looks around with concern as Jill attacks the bowl.
He looks at me with sad eyes when Jill humps away at him.
Humpty dumpty is givin Dusty the hard sell again,
Jill sexually assaulting her friend is really messed up!
I tripped over myself just trying to break it up!
"Yo dawg! That's not cool!
Not cool at any time!"
Not only is it "frowned upon"
I'm pretty sure it's a crime!
10 min after I broke it up she was back to her humpy trick.
I needed to find an end to this, and find an end real quick!
"Knock it off woman, this is craziness!"
I didn't recognize my own words.
I usually don't like to raise my voice,
With swearing and canine slurs.

When she points her beady eyes at me,
All i see is catastrophe JILL!
Her black eyes brindle butt, jacked up grill like a piranha.
Big white head, all kinds of inbred,
This mug could scare her own Mama.
She is shorter than a wine bottle but very wide at the chest.
The dog is fast as lightning and never seems to rest,
Jill is a tiny one dog riot!
As I sit here she is going to town, beating up this mixing bowl.
It's her second favorite thing after humping a pit bull,
For hours now, it's all about, flinging it in the air
then shoving the down turned bowl across the floor wedging it under the chair.
Her hideous snout, it slams into a corner .
Then she lunges up attacking her toy
flinging ropes of spit in all directions.
grossing out my little boy, (BANG-Clank bump!)
Jill is a beast! A stinky, rude, calamity, (BANG!)
You can tell when she is around because I'm using profanity,
She is human nature's cruel mistake.
She ate the frosting, she ate the cake,
So why can't I stop smiling while looking at this thing?
What's wrong with me? Am I insane?
Is it her thousand mile an hour wagging tail, that looks like a chimpanzie penis?
Or the way she always wants to get between us?
Did i mention yeast builds up in the eye folds of this dog,
I had to clean it out with a surgical swab,
In our world I think all creatures fit,
But this one needs surgery to be born and comes with it's own haz-mat kit.
I gotta love that she outsmarted me though.
I thought I would be clever and put out the bowl,
Outside she shall play, so we could get some peace.
She didn't want to go but I begged her please!.
She ran outside, and caught her bowl, thrashing left and right,
Sending shrapnel of dog shit everywhere, into the freezing night,
Then she ran inside like she owns the place, into her warm house,
I was stuck cleaning dog poop (Some even got in my mouth)
She had caught me unaware, now she laughs at me from the top of the stairs.
Around this dog, it never stops, it's never gonna be quiet,
Jill is a tiny behemoth who makes me scold her like a one dog riot!
Jill threw up jelly, Jill was a strain,
But I guess I would totally dog sit, Jill-zilla again.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Leaving the house is always fun when my boy is around.

 I tell him, "Olive and I are going to the hardware store, Be back soon. You are in charge." Then I give him extended instructions. "Guard the house with your life, if you die, then my bike is in charge, if the tallbike perishes then my guitar is third in command." 
By now he is grinning as he asks what if the guitar dies. 
"No problem, We will be back by then Sport, thanks for looking out." 
We take sentry duty real serious around here.

We got our yard done did.

 The innkeeper hired a nice fellow who spent the day sprucing up the yard. I knew just enough Spanish to disappoint him on how little Spanish I knew. What I do know, I pronounce perfectly. We really enjoyed his company. Olive was her usual gracious self. She made him a huge lunch and we sat together talking in broken English and broken Spanish. He really appreciated the Innkeeper for over paying him and Olive's kindness went a long way. He told us he has had a bad week of people underbidding him, speaking down to him and whatever "Truckka de Donal Trump" is. 
The day before a "trukka de Donal trump" was passing many times yelling at him to go back to his home country (Republic of Bakersfield Ca.?)We had a lovely lunch and he told us all about his kids and grand kids. 
At first I was grumpy that he was coming. I'm a worker-bee too and I don't like missing hustles. It worked out, we made a friend and it was impressive watching the 60+ year old man working like a young buck all day and carrying huge loads. 
If ya wanna hire Jose (and not lowball him) drop us a line, we will pass on his card.

Check out this here stuff. We ran into one of my first Portland Friends today.

 Can you guess the name of this Old School Portland favorite? 
He has recently come out of retirement and we ran into him on the grill today. 
My daughter grew up with his CD and coloring pages back in the 90's. 
We had many adventures with him after the age of Rootbeer as well. Shortly after Olive and I got together we were delighted to see he included her on the vehicle MSV2's door. 
Now he has his vehicle altered to creepy mode for Halloween. 
Great to see ya!!!!!!Below I will post this mystery clown's youtube page where he instructs on how to paint cartoons on windows.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

women from Tucson and a couple from Berlin

We live in a house that rents out rooms. Tonight we have two mom types women from Tucson and a couple from Berlin doing the "employees with benefits" thing having a working vacation in the USA.
The Moms couldn't wait to hit the nightlife once their friend's wedding concluded. The Germans were perplexed with the Ptown culture and spent most of the week in their room. Lots of grinning people engaging in half conversations with them all day freaked them out. "Germans don't normally share greetings and philosophical observations with strangers" I told them to act like the whole city is a huge cocktail party. I told them it's ok to go out there and be friendly. "No such thing as friendly, in Germany it's called "smiling with no reason". The Moms are a riot. I can't wait to find out what they got into.

Friday, October 05, 2018

Yesterday I visited some plants I almost killed.

Yesterday I visited some plants I almost killed. They are doing great. My friend asked me to babysit his plants while he took the Fam Damily on vaca.

It was all good in the hood until a spaced my watering missing for a few days. Stuff kept coming up and pushing back our windows to go check the house, water plants and feed fish. After an afternoon gig we raced over to find the plants decimated in the Summer sun.
I flooded them with water daily and tried to work out how I would tell my friend I destroyed his medicine for the year. Then slick as a sneaker full of puppy poo...they rose from oblivion the very next day.
That is amazing. Now they are looking hearty and healthy. Fantastic.

Wednesday, October 03, 2018

I met a handsome doctor last night ooooh!

LOL ok we already met. He is staying in one of the rooms that rent in our place. Last night Olive was out of town. Steven is a mid-30-something Doc from New Zealand. He was visiting Corvallis tracking down distant relatives and decided to take a few days on Puddletown.
We traded life stories last night as he watched me eat a plate of bacon. He said he has been trying to do at least one ink drawing per day. I asked him if he wanted to do some art with me by way of video taping a bike ride. He was all over it.
There is avid cycling in NZ but nothing to the scale of Portland. I lent him a beach cruser and we took off. I asked him what he wanted to see and he mentioned the big mural by the tracks with plants growing out of it.
He noticed it from the bus and wanted a better look. I was glad that he was narrating into the gopro with that amazing accent.
When we got there we noticed how cool the mural w
as and also noticed I neglected to bring SD cards for both gopros (like a ditz). No footage night, bummer. So we lit out exploring 11pm Portland. We rolled downtown and over the Tillicum bridge twice. He kept looking at the infrastructure and saying "Wow, so fancy."
I enjoyed rolling with him and discovered it's really easy to get medical advice from a doc when you are asking about an ailment you don't have. I got him telling me all about dysentery and child birth. I learned a lot. He had heaps of questions about clowning, our life and of course Patch Adams.
It's a bit of a struggle rolling with folks who aren't conditioned to ride fast for hours like us.
He did well and immediately passed out in his room when we got back.
That''s what's up Doc.

Monday, October 01, 2018

Cigs. yuk.

Cigs. yuk. Buskers are resourceful and on the street. I am dialed in on all the street treasures so much I can eagle spot them from 10 feet up on my bike. I know how to move a cig box on the ground with my tire without running it over to feel if it's full.
People often carry money and ID in the cig boxes. If I see an ID on anything I will return it all to whomever or drop it in a mail box. When I get just the cigs I usually destroy them. That comes with a moral dilemma as well. I want to be helping low income people and this flips that script.

On one hand it's the product of a company who's fortunes come from decades of poisoning Americans and misleading them with ad's and political lobbying. Personally. just being anywhere around a lit cig sends me gagging. On the other hand cigs are expensive item addicted people need everyday. Electricity was spent manufacturing it and even more poisonous diesel fuel was spent trucking it here.
I used to hand them over to the bums but then I realized I was essentially poisoning the air of everyone walking by as they sit outside. So what do I do with them?

This moring I took my latest find to the spot where I smoked my last cig (circa 2015). The break area where the line-cooks smoke behind Concordia Ale house. It was closed.
I didn't want to just leave them there because I really don't want any Shorties to find them and start a tobacco career. I'm going to just keep these on me. When I see some employees of something taking a butt break I get to miracle them. I know who to look for, I used to be a dishwasher. :)

Nothing gets my eyes rolling like Love songs.

 It's irresponsible to repeat breeding shantys in such a woefully overpopulated planet. That said I do like a few. This one is at the top. I say this un-ironically. This is the only love song I ever get stuck in my head. 

Maybe that's why I'm a good open mic host. I love all the expressions that escape the cookie cutter culture. She wrote the song, sang it well and I'm thinking she drew from experience because the sentiment seems genuine. I hear she had a lot of laughs, that's so cool. Good for you Jan.