Thursday, June 28, 2018

house clownz

They didn't warm like usual. We live in a tricked out 1920's house that rents rooms like a hotel.
Every few days we meet folks from all over the world. We don't work here, we are just the house clowns. Usually they are thrilled to meet us, see our bikes and be on vacay.
This time they just stared silently as I introduced myself and showed them their room. They backwards walked to their room and slammed the door.
I don't need to be liked by everyone, it just rolled off my back. Then I walked by a mirror.
Earlier Olive and I were making out pretty hot like (or in other as usual) and I had her red lipstick covering my entire lower face.
I didn't look like a clown, I looked like I was just devouring a wildebeest on the Serengeti with the jackals and hyenas.

That gave me a good laugh. I'm not full of myself so i rarely look in mirrors.
I guess I should start paying better attention now that we are house clowns.

like what we do?
Maybe you are in a place to pitch in to our clownistrary.
We are but humble street performers who livce out of our tip jar. Here is a link to our online hat. :)

Most of the guests are intrigued to see us come and go. 
They ask us about our life and have lots of laughs with us. We are super good "single serving" friends so it works out. 

Sometimes they don't know clowns live here and boy are they surprised. 
The lady from Miami actually jumped in and helped us load a balloon bag yesterday. That was cool.
check this out...
We are not employees but we do like getting paid. 
I was thinking of stealing a page from the carnival ride playbook. Y'know how when you go down the log ride, they offer you a pic of your trip? 
Maybe the clowns can do the same and offer the guests photos of themselves that the clowns took of them while they were sleeping? 

Saturday, June 23, 2018

My Naked Bike Ride rant. (See ya there)

I was grumpy with the World Naked Bike Ride for a while.

When I first got to P-town mid 90's, the naked ride was on April Fools day and had a very hippy feel.
Then the World Naked Bike Ride hit the scene as a protest and appeal for cyclist awareness; it's a fantastic thing that helps green-light legislation and encourage bike friendly infrastructure while enjoying a naked night on the town. This street theater happening is also cheap and fun.

As time went on, it slowly became less of a protest. Black guy president, we won, lets have fun!
Like the Clown House, the activist flavor gave way to a complacent frat-party feel.
That was disappointing in a age when cows and cars are really taking the planet for a ride; it takes Earth 800,000,000 years to reset after climate collapses.
Another ill point is getting jeered at by folks on the ground who don't know what the inside skinny's all about. I go from having fun to wanting to throttle people. I'm not butt hurt, it's more like having to watch a movie you don't like on your only day off. Annoyingly sad.
They think we need attention.
We just want enough attention to not get hit by a car.

Now I gotta tell ya what I do like about the last W.N.B.R. I attended.
I was with my pal Leapin Louie the cowboy clown.
Both of us riding high and in chaps n cowboy hats.
I love that guy.
It's funny that tallbikes put our butts right at eye level to everyone else.
Hawhawhaw EEEEHa!

I also love the jewel at the end of the crown....
wait for it (drum roll)
!!The sausage party at the end of the ride!! LOL
Lots of cyclists with bitchin' bike bods, where lots of men get to see very attractive woman discover the ride and all strip naked to join... They don't see that every day.
I'm sure it drives em crazy. At the end of the ride all the fellas stick around but the woman vanish like vampires in a cloud of bats.
It's a riot to see all those poor saps looking at each other expecting someone to be female and there never is, it's always a sea of penises all glaring at each other.
I know, it's kind of mean of me but I don't get that many laughs like that. To me it's like watching turtles.

So I'm a kid clown as well as sideshow performer. Have been for 20 years here in Puddletown. Been nude a lot on stage and in the street. For the clowns it's the cheapest act to put on. :)
I have literally got it on with two woman while riding a bike on the very same stage that I would get married on a decade later.
I'm not shy at all. Thing is, I can't be full monty clown anymore. The secret to living in kid and adult entertainment worlds was made clear in the movie Ghost Busters.
Don't cross the streams.
Too much photography ruins the game for us. There is no way for us to keep our entertainment lines from crossing; to control what people do with images of us.

On this W.N.B.R. 2018, we decided to take one for the team, go on the ride and have a great time with our friends.

We hear that a Japanese tv show is hip to interview us at this years ride.
So here we are.
Now that I know we will be interfacing with the media, I gotta get my story straight now.
I have been interviewed before and what came out of my face was the dreadful truth of a behind-the-scenes guy. I regret not crafting a better narrative.
This is a great clown op to tell the original story about what the ride is about.
So what do we wear to participate but not nose dive our daily bread?
Olive's first thought was for us to rock diapers; she volunteered to make us each a diaper.
Then we decided on just some form fitting lycra and lots of body paint.
I want "I care a lot" written on my back in white.
My cargo bike, Behemoth, is great for carrying a passenger.
We are open to taking someone on my bike who maybe can't ride a bike, is injured, or wants to spend hours nude perched on the back of my bike. I'm not gonna be too loud about this option since the ride starts in frikkin b.f.e. (Cathedral park).

I'm no longer grumpy with W.N.B.R. We need as many rides as we can to promote cycling, fitness and bike awarness. And I'm looking forward to seeing all the smiling faces and the sea of vertical smiles too! If you're out there riding, thank you, stay safe and:
See ya there!
~Dingo Dizmal Portland clown


One year we just went to photograph all the people photographing nude people.
A lady with what looked like a National Geographic camera yelled to me "Please disrobe mr.clown!" I yelled "Frightfully sorry Madame I have the Diarrhea!' Her colleges got a good laugh at her getting clowned by the clown. She never got a pic of me but I did get a pic of her.

We took pics of lots of people photographic nude riders. We would put our cameras in their faces and take pics of them. This guy taking photos of women was not very happy about Olive invading his privacy with her camera.

we goofed

We slept in for the first time in recent memory. We normally have to hustle a lot.
It takes a lot of balloons to pay rent and child support.
It's even harder when a lot of people walk out of our shows without paying us anything.
Then we realized how we managed to get some sleep...we were missing a gig!
We were s'posed to be in the Juneteenth parade with Dutch and others.
We feel awful for missing the gig, it's not our normal course of action.
I'm so sorry for letting this one slip by.
Now our day went from disappointing to just odd. We are standing around trying to decide what to wear for the naked bike ride tonight.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

t.b.t. Olive misses my old mustachio. The look of it anyway.

 She doesn't miss making out with the smell of slightly sour coffee cream.
t.b.t. Olive misses my old mustachio. However, he doesn't miss making out with the smell of slightly sour coffee cream. 
When we first got together it was apparent that the soup strainer had to go (for that stinky reason). 
She did like the look though. 
It was an interesting social experiment. I lost a lot of cred without the face hair. I was surprised that I had to work harder to get people do do what I needed them to do during shows. 
It was (and still is) well worth it to have less cred but a stingy face from getting kissed so much.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Rollie the egg maker

I wanted to roast this device with satire and skewer yet another useless "made in China" type product that currently fill our landfills. Rollie more than met me halfway. Do you really need your eggs to look like someone's sunburned, flaccid crank waving around somewhere on a nude beach? Some do, most don't.
But then as I started researching how bad this is, Old Mr. Rollie started talking me out of it. I kept finding out facts and thinking "well that actually would be handy for a college kid, oh, it would be great for making a party snack platter. I'm not generally a fan of anything that plugs in or takes gas. Rollie takes 210 v of coal burned electricity to cauterize chicken menses. I'm biased. The device that would have me singing praises would be a bike powered egg maker that spits em out looking like origami.
That said, I have to admit that this Rollie doesn't appear to be the waste of money I originally thought. Rollie can be useful. side note: It was a triumph that they thought to avoid a variable temperature knob. I bet they saved themselves from a lengthy and expensive class action lawsuit by hundreds of people who would have went to the emergency room after trying to shag the egg cooker on low.
Good times!Like what we do?

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

New paint job. I painted my bike from black to purple for a Prince ride..and to celebrate our purple tea.

How to trick out your bikes paint job. 
I had painted the whole bike black to be in a funeral. 
Then I took white spraypaint and carefully painted through the lace of a table cloth over and over.
 It took a long time and a lot of acrobatics to get all the angles while keeping the spray can upright. 
Then it's all about a can of purple, translucent "designed for metal" paint. 
Last step is a whole can of clear coat. 
it was right as purple rain for the Prince ride that happened the next day.
That's how ya do it. :)

I painted my bike purple to reflect Olive and Dingo Tea.  It's the best paint job I have done on this bike in a long time. It gets re-painted a few times a year. 
One day I hope to mail my bike to Texas for a paint job. My friend Rene Zunigais just off the hook with the custom paint jobs. Clean as I ever seen. I wanna hire him to trick out my hoopty.  Till then it's just my rattle-can and table cloth. 
I don't remember all the paint jobs this bike has had since circa-2005. That's when "Behemoth" became my main ride. I do think this is one of the better ones. 
Does my bike look heavy fully loaded with music gear and clown stuff? It is. I don't mind. 
Here is a link to our tea sponsor.

get our tea here. :)

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Had a great time with Olive and my son doing the Tiki ride. It was my son's first real experience with Portland bike culture. He comes from it but it always happened around him. Now he is big enough to swim with the big fish. After he saw Karl's tiki bar bike blow it's fire top, Bruce was sold.

 He had so much fun. Olive and I were cracking up at him shaking his butt and bike dancing at all the stops. 
He was mentioning how he now understands why we have been building up his biking stamina over the last year. I think he is in. Happy times. Thanks Kamikaze Karl

Olive Rootbeer's version of "intimate meal

I'm right handed ...
but I had to learn to eat goofy footed because Olive Rootbeer's version of "intimate meal" is very intimate (all up in my biddness every day).
 I didn't mind acquiring the new skill, I like hug-munching too.

Wednesday, June 06, 2018

Nobody at our show. So I asked Olive for a VooDoo

Olive bought me a VooDoo doughnut today. 
When we got there we were greeted by the owner who was entertaining a table of Rose Festival Royalty. We fit right in.

MMmmmm, sugaring away the failure.

They gave me a free one and that made my day.
Nice hanging out with my lady.
We didn't do so well at our show but we did fine being Portland's clowns.