Sunday, December 26, 2010

I'm no saint but I don't deserve this.

WARNING!!!!ACHTUNG!!!!!CUIDADO...the following is not the regular nutty banter but a real sad story. If you are giggling them maybe you should go take a bath or something and come back when I'm talking about puppies or Kenny Rodgers or Peanut butter pasta recipes or other pleasant things.~

I'm glad... Christmas is over.I don't subscribe to Christianity but this was still a family holiday. I haven't been allowed any contact with my kids since May 28th. No contact like I'm a monster. I spent last night alone in a little room eating fruit loops and really missing my kids. Every morning I wake to nightmares about my ex, every time I try and sleep I have nightmares about my kids. I sleep about 4-5 hours a night trying to avoid those two worst moments. I talked to my friend who is in a similar situation and that helped.
I'm living with all my childrens clothing and toys. I dry my face with my daughters bathrobe every day when I wash and my sons socks are mixed in with mine so I'm sure to pray for him. My kids clothes no longer fit them after all this time but I don't dare throw them out. We have crates of kid toys, books, games and all their stuff. Just like when my wife left me in 07 they got no warning that she was taking them away from me. I asked my daughter how the split up went and she said " My life was great at the Clown House and then one day I went to grammas and when I came back I didn't have a Dad anymore."
Ex lady left with kids, dog and both businesses and didn't tell me where she went for a long time.
This time I refused to hand over some equipment she was demanding. If she had asked I would have totally given it to her. I took my kid to a concert. When I got home her boyfriend had Olive in tears with internet harassment over a photograph. The punishment had begun.
The next weekend the kids never showed. The ex never answered my calls anyway so they lied to Olive instead. We got lied to for months and then got a nasty and yet cryptic letter.
I'm a Dad who for all the years put the kids to bed by hand every night, worked several jobs to keep the bills payed and managed to be a huge part of a positive movement. Both my kids are very proud of me and we have never had a problem.
I don't drink, I have never been arrested, never had to take my kids to the emergency room, I watch them like a hawk, I always pay the child support, I'm around kids every day and the whole town sings to me as I ride by. I only have one room mate at a time and I don't even hang out with cig smokers if I can (sorry stinky face).
I only care to hang out with sober,bright people who are doing something and going somewhere. I'm not perfect by far and I'm no angel but I don't do anything to deserve this.
I was there 24-7 on Ex ladys side for both pregnancies, rubbing VitE on her, going to classes and both kids were born right into my hands. We had our kids in houses together with a midwife near but it was mostly the two of us. I have spent countless hours rocking kids, feeding them scrubbing diapers and teaching them love, afection and kindness. I champion community service, friendship and heroism and I want them to do the right thing. I don't want them to learn to negotiate like Ex Lady from the shadows. They know the truth and she underestimates how clever they are so I think she may have showed them up close how not to deal with things.
Ex lady wishes I was the monster she created...but I'm not. When i come into a room children tend to run to me...not away.
My kids are super tight with Olive too. For a long time none of my family was allowed contact with the kids. Olive called and asked the ex to end the punishment but then the ex yelled at her for being too young and hung up on her.
When my kids held me they did so very tightly like they are afraid they will be taken away from me (they were right). For this I'm not bitter i'm just ashamed and embarrassed and somehow feel sorry for the Ex. I've never sold so many paintings and comic books in my life.
They got ripped from a huge community of friends and family that love them. They missed out on training with kid could have learned a trade ballooning that can make a hundred bucks an hour.
One of my close friends is a woman I want my girl to learn from ironically works for Child protective services. If I was out of line I think this lady would have red flagged me a long time ago.
I miss talking to the teachers, buying my kids school and winter clothes and hearing them laugh. All the legal venues to me were a dead end. If the ex had stolen my bike then they could have done something.
I'm not ashamed of myself or anything I do. I don't look over my shoulder. I stand up straight and I will talk to anyone face to face. Dealing with the ex is a lot of sifting through anonymous hate mail and rude demands. She never ever looked me in the face and told me anything. I don't blame her...she has been telling a lot of tall tales about me. She is avoiding a lot of our mutual friends who know me better than she because what is she gonna say? She can't look them in the face because she can't tell a lie to someone who knows me and sees me every day.
In all those years Ex lady never let any of us meet her Dad. She said he was a monster and a pathological lair among other things. I didn't want to meet she is calling me those same things (and since I'm not any of those things) I'm wondering if the ex lady just has a problem with the man in her life moving on and being happy. I don't need anyone to write back on this...I'm sorry I'm not making you laugh this day. I just gotta tell it so my kids can find this in the future and know that I love them and spend every day thinking about them.
Also when I went to get my coffee i saw a kid my girl's age pick up a waterlogged cig but off the ground and give it to her guardian who lit it and made all our air stink. That made me wonder "Who the hell is watching my kids?"
Without Olive Rootbeer I couldn't handle going through this pathetic madness. But when I remember the contempt that I noticed Ex lady showing to Rootbeer I realize that without Rootbeer this may not be happening at all. Ex lady was never very fun but she got mean and cruel as soon as Olive came into the picture. I half heartedly appreciated getting my wallet back because the irony is that the checks and cash in it are all child support for kids I'm not even allowed to talk to. Pray for me...I need it this time.

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