Tuesday, August 30, 2005

the clown house

Thor is comming!

OK folks, this Friday at 4:00 here at the clown house, we are hosting the muscle bound, heavy metal god from the early 80s THOR!
He will be on our stage, doing feats of strength like blowing up hot water bottles and bending steel with his teeth.
This is an all ages event so get the kids and come see the specticle.

This week in a poem

I don't like to talk too much about the live action that happens around the clown house, I think it's more special to just share the adventures with the people that are there and I know no way to discribe events that would give them justice anyway...so I'm going to try and discribe the last few days in poetry:
Biggest speakers ever,Clowning with Slim Chance,
Tons of pretty circus gals, tightening my pants,
Crowds of happy people, gawking at our zoo,
we made 30 bucks, the travelers made that much too,
The Sprockettes dancing in the dirt, I'm so suprised nobody got hurt,
Watching them do the bike dance routines, inspiring kids and exited pre teens,
Art work abounded as the music was sounded and piles of acro-balancers
amazed and astounded.
Wave after wave of fire spinners, glowing bright circles and coaching beginers.
And the music went on, to the chigrin of our pup,
until the amazing Bobby Panama, blew himself up.
We rested
Movie night, an intamate crowd, we saw a few kids flicks, no booze was allowd,
Then the main feature, a political story,
The Yes men vs. the WTO,
in all it's gold glory,

I think I may be getting old.

Friday, August 26, 2005

movie night!!!

@ dark we will be showing the movie YES MEN I would tell you what it's about but your sitting at your computer so look it up, then hook it up.
We gotz frozen bananas and pop corn, bring a little for the tip sistern.
2425 NE Alberta

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Draino got us a treadmill

We put a tread mill that Draino got in front of the TV, now the kids are going nuts, walking on it while they rot their creativity away, we should have some very powerful mindless zombies in about 6 years YAY!
Tonights the Last Thursday art mayhem, bring some money for the tip jar and mud wreslin clothes, it's looking like a great event.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

house sounds

I'm listening to the cantakerous rowdy sounds that come from our house; it's a crazy kind of living thing when you just sit back and listen.
To my left (and around the corner) I can hear a seven year old blasting away on a train whistle, not the shrill kind; it's the wooden one with two holes that blasts in harmony. Slightly beyond that is the sound of a younger kid hooting and pestering the seven year old.
In the kitchen, people are in the throes of preparing homemade mochas; today everybody seemed to want mochas. They are being made by my partner Caffeine Jones.
Coffee drinks are always better when they are fixed up by a person named Caffeine (especially when she has other things to do).
Outside are the sounds of our dog barking, and our housemate hawking her car to some folks she found on Craigslist.
The TV is on, and the tea kettle is sounding off, while from way down the street comes the steady pounding of bongos being played by a meditating hippy shatter the concentration of anyone walking near .
From the yard I can hear more dog barking, mixed with the sound of another distant dog barking; they are having the same conversation they have every day:
"I'm here!"
"So am I!"
"Where are you?"
I hear the Angle Grinder in the bike shop loudly being used to weld bike parts into more additions to the fleet .
Bump and Ruby Cuba are using homemade spiked ball and chains (they are called "Morning Stars") to break up dirt clots in the mud pit. I'm so glad they are sober (I'm glad all of us are sober, it's way more fun); those things were originally designed to kill people, but to us they are a tool for muddy good clean fun.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Draino the dumpster diving clown's report

I was serchin fer sparklys and other such stuff when I found a box of tooth brushes. They were worn out, like somebody had saved every tooth brush they ever had and then threw them in da dumpster, so I took the torchie and blew a bead down the backs of the brush parts and cut off all the handles. I was going to make a bigger brush out of them (for in case I ever dumpster a giant tooth), but it turned into a round, black, sooty 3rd degree burn brush.
We got gifted 4 crates of bananas by St.Jay the other week. They had been dumpstered and recovered from a pig bucket . As it turns out, a fella called Dean had dumpstered a big box of wicker baskets and gave them to us.
Dingo put out an arcade game (JOUST), and we spent four hours watching people play the game and giving out baskets of bananas.
We also froze a bunch (get it) of them, and have been giving them out during movie night.
Friends, let me tell you about bananas. Y'know how prunes make your butt act out when you eat too many of them? Well, too many bananas make your butt act out in another way that's no fun. I'll let you find out the details on yer own...the hard way (get it?).

I was once a snitch

Many moons ago, before Clownarchy was a factor in the young Dingo's life, I tried my hand at being an undercover agent for the Better Buisness Bureau.
I would infiltrate telemarketing "Boiler rooms," and get to work scamming gullible Joe Six Packs. I usually had a script. Once I was asked to pretend to be a disabled vet, and sell shoddy light bulbs.
That's me: pretending to be a someone, pretending to be someone else .
I would do a week or so in the boiler room ("Boiler Room" is a term for these shady telemarketing scams. They are usually located in hotels or rented offices.), get the info I needed on a wire, then walk out as the feds ran in.
It would have been a great gig exept for the fact that I had to live in a giant web of lies.
I also had no desire to get stabbed, and...well, the last few stings I did ended up on the news.
Nobody thought to hide my face, and I'm such a camera whore, I was quickly "made" and had a hard time getting more telemarketing jobs.

Nowadays, when the phone rings and it's a telemarketer, I find the youngest kid in the house and tell the person on the line, "Sure. Let me connect you with the girl who writes the checks."
Then put the kid on, after telling her it's Santa Claus or her real Daddy.

So, if you really need a solar clothes dryer, send me the $1500 and I'll send you 50 ft. of rope and some clothes pins.

I just did the most Punk Rock thing ever!

I went to the Star E Rose cafe to have a drink and look at my paintings (the rubber chicken history set), and when I got to the little table full of coffee chemistry, I carefully added sugar, choco powder, soy milk, cow milk, syrup, sugar free sugar and salt (by accident); and I noticed there were no clean spoons to stir the grizzly mess up with. Then I did the most Punk Rock, F.T.W., hoodlum thing ever:I used a spoon from the dirty spoon cup.
Yes, you can get my autograph and know you met the most punk rock desperado in town.
Sometimes folks ask for my autograph, and I just write "Get well soon" after my name .

We are planning a great event this Thursday, we have the usual mayhem of mud, blood, bafoonery, and stunts...with an added performance by Portland's Sprockettes bike dance crew! They are bringing a some circus acts from around the country. I saw them the other night, and they are great!
We will have art up, and maybe some frozen treats. Our friend came to us with a great rent-getting idea: A frikkin kissing booth! Yup, we spent hours, this last few days, building a wonderful kissing booth that Sumandi will be in during the event. She has a long menu of kisses to offer for a price...brilliant!
The photo is of Sam and me during this year's Multnomah County Bike Fair. It has nothing to do with this post; I just love that it was so hot, my face paint was melting (I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking); and I really am fond of Sam, I call him Big Foot...the boy's got some big ass feet.

Monday, August 15, 2005

best work crew ever

While riding a tall bike I get to see a side of Portland few ever do. Imagine riding around on a 5 foot ladder. I was coming back to the clown house after delivering some Dawg Snax and happened to notice the best work crew ever.
Rounding the corner, my eyes met a catastrophe in progress, kind of like watching a volcano rip a valley a new one. On each side of an almost windowless building, stood some young men on ladders. They had power sprayers, and were blowing a century's worth of lead paint chips all over them, the ladder, nearby trees, children...the whole place was hammered.
When I got to the other side, I noticed a pile of blue tarps, neatly folded in the back of a paint-chip splattered new truck. (The perspective from a tall bike allows for views into truck beds and dumpsters).
Maybe they didn't see the tarps under the eighth inch of paint chips...nice.
I rode on, wondering if the "Puddin head patrol" were gonna get fired or commended. I thought I had seen the best of it...I had not.
When I got to the next block past the disaster zone I glanced down and started laughing: those dunces and the sprayer had created a little river of lead paint chips that flowed down the gutter and traveled passed some children who were playing "Boats" in it, and into a drain headed to the river...glorious.
I wish I could have made one of them drink the crap they just added to the river.
Why do blogs lend themselves to bitching?

Sunday, August 14, 2005

This is great!

The third bi-monthly clown house movie night did so well last night. We showed the movie "Time Bandits!" As usual the crowd was mostly folks from the neighborhood.
Fund raising to keep the house going has been so darn hard of late, we had the "Mud Pit Of Doom" fundraiser that backfired in the worst way... we made 100 bucks or so, but because we insisit on digging up the yard so much, he's asking for a $1500 dollar deposit.
The movie night made an astounding $17.55, that's a great improvement from last time when we did negative 5 dollerydoos.
So come on down to the next one, folks! Saturday Aug 27th! The final edit of the latest Clown House short is nearly ready, and is expected to have its debut! There will be popcorn, and maybe even frozen treats, and we're thinking of showing Dark Crystal...can't wait!

Friday, August 12, 2005

I let Pepto Dizmal the clown, chime in...

OK here's the dope, ya dope. If you wanna save money for somthing like...um I don't know...maybe SAVING YOUR HOUSE FROM GENTRIFICATION, ya gotta be smart (like mee) and save the little money you have.
Think of something you might think you need (exclude food, water and shelter). It can be anything; I bet you don't need it.
I have been in a few house fires and lost all my stuff. After the last fire, I was picking through the charred rubble of my own room, with a few members of the Tupelo Fire dept. Those guys noticed the stuff I had in my room (Dingo told me to keep this blog all-ages, so I can't tell you too much about my extensive collection of "equipment"), and this firefighter lady slapped me, when she saw it(which was pretty hot). That day I realised I could still have fun without all my stuff.
OK, so there's certain stuff ya NEED, but you don't have a lot of money: then the path is clear...Clear to the frikkin dumpster!
Here's an idea from me, Pepto the clown to You, the sap looking at a screen:
I don't do dishes as a rule, just like my bottom is "Exit Only" my dishes are "...dirty..only..." or sompin, but I'm really happy to back seat dish wash and pester whoever is doing the dirty deed of the disks.
I noticed a hippy that I live with both dumpsters a lot of produce, and buys a lot of kitchen supplies, WHAT A LOAD A CRAP!
I dove into the dumpstered delvings and pulled out the tomatoes, potatoes, and onions that come in plastic netting. I threw all the rancid stuff at the hippy, and wadded the netting together, along with a piece of cloth, and secured it with the fat rubber band that comes on broccoli...See? I made a great dish scrubber out of trash, and if the hippy is gonna do some laundry next, he can throw the new tool in with it, and then have a clean dish scrubbie to start with! It sure beats watching him scrub pots with his dredlocks.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I am from Texas

I woke up this morning having a wonderful, romantic dream about sharing company with two hot clown babes, As my eyes opened I realised the damn dog was licking my elbow and that turned out to be a great way to wake up...screaming.
I took the tall bike out to deliver Dawg Snax (Wheat free, hand made fresh by me). As I hit the trail, the traffic got me to thinking about the sprawling hell I came from, San Antonio Texas.
Talk about a place that's, for some reason, very proud of being stupid and uneducated.
"Hey boa, I bet choo thank yer really smart with yer big city ways huh? We don't do stuff like that round here. This ain't New York."

"Um... I just said Jesus was a dark complected Jew, and the nicotine patch would probably work better if it wasn't on your eye."

They squawk about it being so hot that they have to give the chickens ice water to keep them from laying boiled eggs, but they don't put it together that thousands of miles of pavement sure make it hard for trees to grow and give them shade.
I like Portland a lot. The traffic is a nightmare for folks who drive a lot, but I haven't had a license in a decade, and the only car I ever owned was a van that never went anywhere.
I do thank Texas for giving me so much to make fun of (dark comedy), but I'm really angry that my countrymen are so proud of G.W., and of the backwards way they vote against their best interest, just because he claims to be Texan.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Da Dam Dog

Ok folks dont think I have a lot of time to screw around with this blog.
My day consists of taking care of kids, making Dawg Snax (our dog treat buisness, wheat free, hand made, vegetarian dog crack) and fixing bikes up for people, ether for free or for a little cash, so I have moments between bikes, kids and treats to wash my hands, (so I don't make kid vomit flavored dog treats or peanut butter bike seats)and take 5 to tell you whats going on in that rocket sled of a brain I have.
I was looking at the Clown House dog, Banjalanjadingdong Rodriques, and it dawned on me, That frikkin dog has never payed rent !
okokok she pulls her weight I must admit in fact when she is hooked up to the tall bike and trailor she pulls my wieght too and at the speed of traffic or better. And you can't find a better bouncer/security guard, she has protected us from all kinds of birds and cats, the first time she ever farted, she thought the sky was falling.
I have actually told a slobby roomate "As of now the dog is doing twice the chores you do and making half the mess!"
You know my doggie is a worker, she catches mice for us, she jumps through hoops and climbs ladders but thats all with the pay of some Dawg Snax (Vegetarian hand made).
You can say she likes to cuddle but sleeping with this dog is like spooning with a garbage bag full of clothes hangers, she is nice but has no idea about personal space.
For a pit bull dog, she is gentle and sensetive with strong feelings .
OK, I guess she is a trooper and a hell of a lot cheaper to get "Fixed" than me thats for sure.
I wonder if I could convince the seven year old human that I own to run under the house at full speed? Entertainment is a" Kind" of rent.

second post ever

(This is the second post ever, it has generated hundreds of pieces of junk email since then, at present I have to try changing the title and adding this in the hopes that it will soon stop.)

I stumbled into an experament the other day, I went downtown in my street clothes to play some banjo music and hopefully help dig us out of the displacement mess we are in. I did really fun songs and gathered crowds of people who soon were dancing and clapping like seals, my hat was out the whole time.
When I stopped after about an hour or so I counted up the money...$3.97 (mostly change, way more than two pennies) and my fingers were wrecked.
My friend was bussing back to the clown house so I let him take the banjo with him.
I had a book with me (not porn!) and I decided to take a rare break from all the resposibilitys I have to read a little, I was depressed about not earning any cash so I sat there reading and sulking.
It came as a shock to me that sombody walked by and dropped me a buck, I hadn't thought to pick up my hat off the ground and people were thinking I was a beggar, I can't stand beggars well Young Able Bodied Beggars anyway, and thats what they think I am.
So I decided to ignore my hat and just read, the talley after an hour of nothing....$24.45, some meal tickets and a pair of socks (really, bible thumpers give out socks Goddes bless em.)
So howzabout that? Portlanders pay very well for streets full of Young Able Bodied Beggars and people who have spent years perfecting the craft they have chosen get to be considered I guess Public art and not worthy of tips.
I noticed "the human statue Aquqrock" doing real good and maybe a few others but for the most part I tell traveling shows that land at the Clown House not to bother sharing, Portland is not as "with it" as they think they are.
I still have an undieing work ethic and I wish that I didn't really need the 24 bucks. I feel that I kind of ripped the downtown lunch crowd off by representing myself as a YABB. I wonder if thats fraud?

Morning has broken

Morning has broken at the clown house, People are slowly getting up, looking around and figgering out what the hell to make of the day.It's overcast in Portland today and I'm concerned about the arcade game in the yard getting buggered up from the changes in humidity. Caffeine Jones is typing a resume and being stressed about her job, (she works for a real live jerk, the worst around, this dude not only thinks yelling is a proper motivational tactic but he's often wrong about what he yells about) one thing is for sure, I need a coffee
OK A great few cups of offee from Star E Rose Cafe, They have the best art show up Iv'e ever seen, looks like all historic moments done from the point of view of a rubber chicken.
I bet the artist is as hansom as he is talented.
Our clown house came out in the local weekly paper. It's billed as Portlands best clown house (it's the only clown house) they got my name wrong and failed to mention the community work we do but I'm still pleased as pie to be mentioned.
We got in two cases of bannanas from a guy I call "Saint Jay" yesterday we got a big box of bread so if you read this and are hungry come get some free food.